Brace Yourselves For A Labor Room Paparazzi Shoot, Because Heidi Montag Is Knocked Up 

More like, “Another UsWeekly Cover At Last!”

Ceiling Eyes, Kristin Cavallari, Holly Montag and Stacie the Bartender already have kids. Lauren Conrad currently has a baby in her womb. So does the unseasoned sliver of soggy celery stalk who worked at Teen Vogue. And now it’s Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s turn to spawn! The Hills are alive with the sound of pregnancy farts. It’s as if MTV paid them all to have children around the same time, because in 20 years, all of those kids can be cast members on The Hills reboot called The Flats. MTV will have to call it The Flats since erosion will eat the Hollywood Hills by then.

Every money-grubbing fame whore is shaking their heads in embarrassment at Spencer and Heidi today. If they did this ten years ago, their UsWeekly cover would be worth so much more money and they’d get at least one spin-off from MTV. But, it’s better late than never to sell the news of your fetus. Online crystal mogul Spencer and silicone robot Heidi tell UsWeekly that she’s 12 weeks pregnant and is due on October 19.

33-year-old Spencer and 30-year-old Heidi have been married for 8 years, which is a fact that should go down as the most surprising thing to happen in history. Spencer and Heidi did a full interview with UsWeekly and it’s about as riveting as watching piss dry on a toilet seat. But here’s a piece of it:

Us: Why wait until now for a baby?
HM: I wanted a baby three years ago. Spencer was a little hesitant. Then one thing after another came up. We had work obligations, like Celebrity Big Brother in the U.K., which I did not want to be pregnant for. I’m actually really thankful we waited. I thought I was ready in my twenties, but with everything we had going on, it just wouldn’t have been a good situation for us.
SP: Agreed. I think I’m ready. I know Heidi is ready!
HM: It might never be the perfect time, so we said, Let’s move forward. We had all these conversations. We’re older, we have more life experience. Nothing is holding us back.

Us: What made you think you were pregnant?
HM: I felt nauseous and I wanted to know, so I took a pregnancy test. I was so shocked; Spencer wasn’t. He was so sure it would happen right away. He was like, “You’re going to get pregnant the first time we try.”

Us: Had you been trying long?
HM: It happened the first month!

Congratulations to these two messes! I, for one, can’t wait to see what kind of hilariously desperate pap photo shoots they’re going to make little UsWeekly Montag-Pratt pose in. Yes, they’re totally going to name their child UsWeekly Montag-Pratt. Gone are the days when a fame whore could get a big check just for giving the exclusive details of their newborn to a tabloid. They gotta name the baby after the tabloid now.

Pic: UsWeekly