E! has been showing a zillion previews and milking every last drop from future episodes of Keeping Up the Kartrashians where Kim Kartrashian tells the tale of getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris as The Slow One sits there blank-faced dreaming about salad and Khlozilla also sits there blank-faced dreaming about the wild boar she’s going to catch in the woods later that night. Well, it’s Kendall Jenner’s turn to sit in front of the cameras and tell the tale of getting robbed, because someone reportedly snatched $200,000 in jewels from her house last night. Only this is probably not a Bling Ring 2.0 type of thing and it doesn’t look like thieves broke into her house like they did to Alanis Morrissette. It looks like someone who was partying at Kendall’s house last night did it. DUN DUN DUN (not really).
TMZ first reported that Kendall was away from her L.A. house from about 1pm to 8pm yesterday. When Kendall got home, everything seemed fine and she didn’t notice that anything was off. But at around 1 am, she noticed that a bunch of jewels were missing from her bedroom and she called the cops. TMZ’s police sources tell a different story. Normally, I would think that TMZ’s police source is Pimp Mama Kris in a cop hat, but not this time. They say that Kendall had a bunch of friends over her house for a party. Sometime during the night, she heard an alarm warning, telling her that someone in the house opened a door. Kendall brushed it off and kept on, kept on.
At midnight, Kendall left her house and probably because she needed to quickly do the nightly family ritual of holding a sacrifice up to the moon while pledging her allegiance to the Koven. Kendall left her friends in her house by themselves. She got back to her house at around 1am and that’s when she noticed that the jewelry box in her bedroom was open and some thief jacked her ass. Since the Kartrashians supposedly stepped up their security after Kim got robbed, one would think that maybe Kendall would keep her valuables in a safe or some other secure place like, I don’t know, that giant jar of lemons every Kartrashian is contractually obligated to put on their kitchen counter. Nobody would ever look in that dumb jar of lemons!
There was reportedly no sign of forced entry and the police believe the thief or thieves knew exactly where to look.
So let’s see…. The robber was either partying at Kendall’s house or they had easy access and slipped in during the party. The robber also either needs money or wants the Kardashians to get more attention. Hmmm… I wonder who could it be….
[Insert pictures of the rest of the Kartrashian family and their
cohorts cowhores here]
The police better bring in Jessica Fletcher, Sherlock Holmes, Detective La Toya, Horatio Cane, the Scooby Doo Gang and every other highly-skilled detective to help them with this case, because the suspect list is like the amounts of evil in PMK: endless.
And here’s KimBotKlone II looking like a rubber trout caught in a net while leaving every L.A. fame whore’s current restaurant of choice, Catch, last week: