Gwyneth Paltrow Isn’t Bothered By The Hate From Stupid, Close-Minded Peasants!

March 9, 2017 / Posted by:

Over two years ago, Goopy Paltrow took a break from blowing steam up everyone’s asses with her overpriced health methods to tell you ladies to blow steam up your chochas in the name of a clean uterus. Anti-Goopy warrior, Dr. Jen Gunter, said at the time that vaginas are like Brussels sprouts: they probably shouldn’t be steamed. (I’m sorry but steamed Brussels are nasty.) Since Goopy is obsessed with putting things up her punane for health reasons, she also recommended sticking an egg up in there. Dr. Jen Gunter also stamped “Not Recommended” onto that health tip, because sticking an egg up in there could lead to you becoming a mom to a chick and I don’t know if you’re ready that. But really, I’m sensing a theme with Goopy. It looks like she’s going through the elements, and I don’t even have a cooze, but I’m still crossing my legs while wondering what she’s going to do with “fire.”

Goopy did an interview with Women’s Health to pimp out her new packs of vitamins, and she was asked about people judging her for trying to get them into vag steaming and snatch eggs. Goopy doesn’t care if people are too simple in the mind to understand her so-forward methods!

It seems like Goopy thinks of herself as the Daniel Boon of pussy steaming (just call her Daniella Poon). Although, she’s more like the Christopher Columbus of pussy steaming since she took it from another culture! But Goopy said that when you’re a pioneer like her, you get a lot of question marks and hate thrown at you.

How do you trust that your readers and customers will go where you go—cupping, vagina steaming—without judgment?

They’re not without judgment. When you’re at the forefront of something that’s new, people can get really reactive: “This is crazy! Why are you doing this?” Then, five years later, everyone’s fine with it. So I have a bit of pattern recognition in hand at this point — which is helpful. Also, when someone doesn’t like something you do, or doesn’t share your interest in something, that doesn’t have anything to do with you. One of the best things someone ever said to me was that the only time criticism hurts is if you have a judgment about yourself about that very thing. If someone’s like, “You dick, you have red hair!” and you’ve got brown hair, it doesn’t bother you. It’s a blessing to be liberated from the chains of other people’s perceptions of you. It’s part of wellness, working at that. I’ve gotten to a point where I like myself. I do my best as a person. I also have nothing to hide.

Fun fact – In the middle of the online version of Goopy’s interview with Women’s Health is this headline:


And the #1 thing is: “Stay far away from steaming (aka don’t get vagina advice from Gwyneth).


Goopy is full of artisanal, organic, non-GMO shit as usual. Never mind that her analogy doesn’t work, but If someone told her she had red hair and she really had brown, it would bother her and she wouldn’t laugh it off. First, she’d recommend that the hater fix their obviously busted eyeballs with eyedrops made from the distilled tears of eagles (sold exclusively for just $1200 a bottle at Second, she’d let the hater know that her hair color is actually a shade of châtaigne, and the “red” their busted eyes picked up are highlights that a 102-year-old great-great grandmother gave her using bat period fluids during a trip to an off-the-grid village in a remote part of Europe somewhere. And yes, soon you will be able to buy bat period highlight gel exclusively at for just $2900 a bottle.

Pic: Women’s Health

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