Open Post: Hosted By Tilda Swinton Playing A Man In The “Suspiria” Remake

March 4, 2017 / Posted by:

Hollywood continues to kick us in our collective dick and/or vagine. They’re remaking one of my fave-rave horror movies – Suspiria! (“WHY?!?!” he screamed in righteous anger as he clutched his Dario Argento box set while jumping into creativity’s open grave!)

The gorgeously colored 70s Italian horror flick is about a ballet student discovering that Satan (accompanied by several incredibly glamorous evil witches) runs her dance academy. It should be considered sacrosanct! Why not remake Jaws next, assholes? Or Citizen Kane? (Those are probably already in the works.)

The only potentially redeemable feature of this remake would be the presence of the incomparable Tilda Swinton. She’s playing a man! And she’s unrecognizable. See?

Tilda’s fairly genderless, so this probably isn’t a stretch for her. She plays the shit out of any role, be it animal, vegetable, or mineral. And then she goes and tops it off by wearing something flawlessly extraterrestrial to the premiere. I’ll still hate-watch this on Netflix and briefly suspend my anger whenever Tilda as Old Dude is on the screen.

Pic: WENN

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