After lying to us all with a fake stadium free-fall at the Super Bowl and busting out a Grammys stage dive that was about as hardcore as a trust fall at a company retreat, Lady Gaga will most likely headline night two of the annual Gathering of the Hipster Douches in Indio, CA in April. Lady Gaga is replacing Beyonce who is too knocked up to perform. I don’t have a Bachelor’s Degree in stan wars, so I have no idea if the Beyhive and the Little Monsters are cool with each other, but if they’re not, then they better suck it up. Because the Beyhive has passes to Coachella and the Little Monsters would probably suck dick, felch, toss a salad, do ass-to-mouth and much more to get those passes.
Beyonce pulled out last week on doctor’s orders. Sure, the doctors want Beyonce to rest her ass since she’s carrying the twin messiahs. But doctor’s also knew that if the Holy Mother of the Universe gave birth to Beysus Jr. #1 and Beysus Jr. #2 on stage, the Beyhive would violently shake before exploding from being exposed to that much holiness and they didn’t want to be responsible for all those fatalities.
Billboard says that the organizers of Coachella are in final talks with Gaga and will probably burp out an official announcement within the next few days. Gaga is currently planning her Joanne World Tour, which starts in August, but she’s going to squeeze in two Coochella performances on April 15 and April 22.
Shit should be interesting since Gaga is the Savior to the Gays and the owner of Coachella reportedly donated money to anti-LGBTQ organizations. He denied it and called it fake news, but the evidence kept coming.
Billboard also says that the Coachella tricks were looking for a woman to replace Beyonce as headliner because a woman hasn’t headlined since Björk in 2007. If the Coachella tricks were looking for a giant female pop star to headline, then I’m guessing that they called up Gaga after Stacey Q, Samantha Fox, Martika, Taylor Dane, the Spice Girls, Leticia Sabater, Jan Terri and (insert anybody else I forgot) turned it down first.
UPDATE: It’s official.