The 2017 Oscar Nominations Are Out, And Amy Adams Got Shut The Hell Out

Now every time Amy Adams gets with her husband and she asks him how it was, she can light a cigarette while saying, “It was pretty good, but sorry, honey, nobody’s fucked me the way that the Oscars has fucked me.”

The Oscar nominations are usually announced at the hour of the ungodly by a bunch of actors in a conference room or hotel ballroom in front of reporters whose veins are attached to an IV drip full of pure caffeine. But since it’s probably getting harder and harder to find actors who are willing to get their hair and makeup done at 3 in the morning to say names that aren’t their own, the nominations were announced in a pre-taped video by a group of past winners and nominees who talked about what it was like to win or whatever. I could practically hear Casey Affleck screaming, “Shut the fuck up and call my name already!”

Pretty much everyone predicted that in the Best Actress category, we would hear the names Amy Adams (for Arrival), Emma Stone (for La La Land) and Natalie Portman (for Jackie). The other nominations seemed to be a toss-up between Isabelle Hupert (for Elle), Meryl Streep (for that Florence Foster Farms mess), Rutha Negga (for Loving) and Annette Bening (for 20th Century Women). Emma and Natalie got in, but I guess Amy didn’t suck enough gold ass, because she didn’t. Ruth Negga and Meryl Streep were nominated instead. I miss the innocent days (see: yesterday) when I was silly enough to think that THEE Meryl Streep would not get a nomination for that Florence Foster shit. But I forgot that in Hollywood, there’s a law that states if Meryl Streep doesn’t get nominated, nobody gets nominated. But on a totally positive note, I’m sure Amy Adams will get a bouquet from Susan Lucci today and the card will read, “Congratulations to being the me of the Oscars.”

If you watched the Oscar nominations this morning and took a shot of caffeine every time La La Land’s name came up, then you’re probably strapped to an ER bed to control your freaked-out body from the coffee overdose you put it through. La La Land got nominated for everything. It got a total of 14 nominations, tying Titanic and All About Eve for the most noms. And also, we didn’t get another repeat of #OscarsSoWhite and Michael Shannon was nominated for Nocturnal Animals instead of Golden Globe winner Aaron Taylor-Johnson. And I bet Blake NotSoLively’s chichis are covered with maple syrup tears today because Deadpool got a total of zero nominations. The nominations and the nom video are after the cut.

Best Picture
Arrival
Fences
Hacksaw Ridge
Hell or High Water
Hidden Figures
La La Land
Lion
Manchester by the Sea
Moonlight

Best Actress
Isabelle Huppert, Elle
Ruth Negga, Loving
Natalie Portman, Jackie
Emma Stone, La La Land
Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins

Best Supporting Actress
Viola Davis, Fences
Naomie Harris, Moonlight
Nicole Kidman, Lion
Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures
Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea

Best Actor
Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
Denzel Washington, Fences

Best Supporting Actor
Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water
Lucas Hedges, Manchester by the Sea
Dev Patel, Lion
Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals

Best Director
Denis Villeneuve, Arrival
Mel Gibson, Hacksaw Ridge
Damien Chazelle, La La Land
Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester by the Sea
Barry Jenkins, Moonlight

Best Documentary Feature
Fire at Sea
I Am Not Your Negro
Life Animated
O.J.: Made in America
13th

Best Foreign Language Film
Land of Mine
A Man Called Ove
The Salesman
Tanna
Toni Erdmann

Best Original Score
Jackie
La La Land
Lion
Moonlight
Passengers

Best Original Song
“Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” La La Land
“Can’t Stop the Feeling,” Trolls
“City of Stars,” La La LAnd
“The Empty Chair,” Jim: The James Foley Story
“How Far I’ll Go,” Moana

Best Cinematography
Arrival
La La Land
Lion
Moonlight
Silence

Best Production Design
Arrival
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Hail, Caesar!
La La Land
Passengers

Best Makeup and Hairstyling
A Man Called Ove
Star Trek Beyond
Suicide Squad

Best Costume Design
Allied
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Florence Foster Jenkins
Jackie
La La Land

Best Visual Effects
Deepwater Horizon
Doctor Strange
The Jungle Book
Kubo and the Two Strings
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Best Sound Editing
Arrival
Deepwater Horizon
Hacksaw Ridge
La La Land
Sully

Best Sound Mixing
Arrival
Hacksaw Ridge
La La Land
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

Best Documentary Short
Extremis
4.1 Miles
Joe’s Violin
Watani: My Homeland
The White Helmets

Best Live Action Short
Ennemis Intérieurs
La Femme et le TGV
Silent Nights
Sing
Timecode

Best Adapted Screenplay
Arrival
Fences
Hidden Figures
Lion
Moonlight

Best Original Screenplay
Hell or High Water
La La Land
The Lobster
Manchester by the Sea
20th Century Women

Best Animated Feature
Kubo and the Two Strings
Moana
My Life as a Zucchini
The Red Turtle
Zootopia

Best Film Editing
Arrival
Hacksaw Ridge
Hell or High Water
La La Land
Moonlight

Best Animated Short
Blind Vaysha
Borrowed Time
Pear Cider and Cigarettes
Pearl
Piper

Pic: Paramount