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December 28, 2016 / Posted by:

The Krystal Princesses!

The 1980s had so much pastel-colored foolery to give to the world that when the most magical decade of the 20th century ended, it kept on giving straight into the early-90s. Case in point: the Krystal Princesses! If Polly Pocket went through a candy raver phase where she dyed her hair all of the colors of the Manic Panic rainbow and always got so tweaked out on glittery crystal meth that her friends had to control her by putting her in a glass dome, she’d be a Krystal Princess!

In 1992, Playskool tried to get the child raver demographic when they released a line of little princess dolls who came in a snow-globe type dome that had clear liquid and glitter in it. I never got the point of that snow-globe thing until I read Ghost of the Doll’s description of the Krystal Princesses.

“Imagine a land faraway, hidden behind the clouds so high, where everything sparkles like diamonds, and shimmering krystals fall from the sky.

This is the World of Krystal Princesses, filled with krystal dreams, and every time a krystal falls, magical things happen, it seems. Each princess makes dreams come true, in her own special way, to make the world more beautiful, and a better place to stay. Some use the forces of nature, to make things sparkling bright, others listen to your dreams, to bring joy and delight. Just give their domes a shake, and see the magic they will make.

Their magic is everywhere a krystal may fall…here, there or anywhere at all. All they need is a shake from you to make a dream come true. So look around and you will see, just how wonderful krystal dreams can be!”

That last line…. It’s like a sales pitch Willy Wonka would give you if he became a meth dealer.

And the commercial is a gorgeous gay fever dream….(Side note: For being tweakers, the Krystal Princesses sure do have luscious hair.)

What I’m getting from that commercial is that if you crack open that dome and freebase the glittery liquid, you’ll feel like you’re riding a giant swan to a magical wonderland!

Pic: Pinterest

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