Fresh off from looking Melania Trump up and down before saying that he’d never dress her because she’s simply not his image, Tom Ford has opened up his brain to GQ and released thought bubbles on everything from puppies dying to his son’s tacky shoes to the abomination that is sweatpants to how men truly aren’t woke until their buttholes are awoken by a hard dick (or a dildo). And thanks to that last one, Professor Tom Ford has just replaced Professor Megan Fox as my favorite brain fart producer.
Like most of us when we reach the doom and gloom phase of life (aka everything after the age of 9), Tom Ford is obsessed with death to the point that when he sees an adorable puppy friend, he thinks of it dying. When some people see a puppy, they fill up with awwws, but when Tom Ford sees a puppy, his brain plays a time lapse video of a puppy going from a cute ball of young fur to an old bitch to a pile of bone dust.
“Oh my God, that puppy’s so beautiful. Oh, it’s just going to be old and die.’ And that makes that puppy even more beautiful.” He leans forward. “I like ﬂowers. They’re beautiful. I think, ‘Well, they’re going to be dead in three or four days, but my God, aren’t they beautiful now?’ ” He leans back and exhales. “Everything’s so transient,” he says. “Everything dies.”
Tom’s 4-year-old Jack is still one of those who awwws on the inside when looking at a puppy but that’s just because the kid hasn’t learned that one day he’ll be doing the tango with the Grim Reaper.
“I look at my son and he’s so happy and joyful and I say, ‘Richard, it’s because he hasn’t learned the secret yet. And the secret is that he’s going to die.’ ” This focuses him, reminds him he has only a short amount of time to create new worlds. “Jack doesn’t yet feel the pain that humans, all of us, feel and will feel.” It puts you in a mind to think about those things—the urgency of existence coming down on you like a foot on your throat.
Speaking of death, Tom would very much like to put down and bury the light-up dinosaur shoes that his son loves. Daddie Dearest dresses Jack for school and sometimes his son wants to wear regular kid shit like light-up dinosaur shoes. Tom has told Jack that they’re tacky, but the kid still wants to wear them. Why do I have a feeling that one day those light-up sneakers are going to break Tom and all of L.A. will hear him scream, “NO MORE DINO SHOES!!!”
A sore subject in the Ford household: Jack has some light-up dinosaur shoes, and sometimes he tries to wear them to school, and when Ford catches him doing this, he has to step in. “What does Dada say about the dinosaur shoes?” “They’re tacky.” “And when are we allowed to wear them?” “On weekends.”
But there is one thing that Tom may hate more than those light-up dinosaur shoes (and flip-flops). Tom nearly gets the heaves when asked if he’s got a pair of sweats in his closet. Tom does, but he only wears them to his tennis club in London and he makes sure that nobody sees him. This quote is what the definition of “pretentious” reads when it needs inspiration. Goopy Paltrow is slapping at her mouth today because she wishes it would’ve produced a snobby gem like this:
At one point, I asked Tom Ford if he owns sweatpants, and that did not go over well. He looked hard at me, trying to ascertain if I was kidding, and furrowed his brow; he has a great dermatologist and despite some filler and some Botox, he has a full range of movement in his face. I looked at him with wide eyes and an expectant smile, and once he determined that I was serious, he said no in a way that made me not follow up, then also “I mean, really, no” and “No, absolutely not.” But Tom Ford is kind and doesn’t want me to have a bad experience during this interview, and so he concedes that he’s a member of a tennis club in London that only permits its members to wear white, and yes, sometimes he does get into the car in this one pair of white sweatpants, since it’s required, but no one on the street sees him because his driver pulls him right up to the club.
Tom and I have more in common than I thought. Whenever I go to my tennis club in London (read: an EOS gym that I go to once a year, if that), I too wear sweats (because I wear sweats every damn day).
And that finally brings us to Tom Ford’s think piece about bottoming. During his last interview with GQ, Tom was drunker than a Lohan on any given day and he hit on the interviewer. Tom also said that if you have a dick, you should take a dick at least once. Tom expanded on that thought a little more:
Yes, he says, all men should be penetrated at some point. And not as in emotions. He means: All men should be fucked. “I think it would help them understand women,” he argues. “It’s such a vulnerable position to be in, and it’s such a passive position to be in. And there’s such an invasion, in a way, that even if it’s consensual, it’s just very personal. And I think there’s a psyche that happens because of it that makes you understand and appreciate what women go through their whole life, because it’s not just sexual, it’s a complete setup of the way the world works, that one sex has the ability to literally—and is expected to and is wanted to—but also there’s an invasion. And I think that that’s something most men do not understand at all.”
I, for one, holehardonly agree! So, Tom is sort of saying that bottoming is one of the lessons in Feminism 101? If that’s the case, then I better get my b-hole a pair of smart glasses, a pipe and a blazer, because it’s practically a Distinguished Professor in Feminism.