Paris Hilton Was Just Pretending To Be A Dumbass

December 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Yes, 35-year-old Paris Hilton has come all the way from 2009 to let us know that she’s actually really smart, she just played a dum-dum on TV. Paris dropped the sexy baby voice, ordered the hand servants to whip up her most responsible-looking ponytail, and practiced her sophisticated head nods for a >3 minute interview with Access Hollywood where she states her case.

via People

Hilton reveals to Access Hollywood that she doesn’t want to be known as a ditz anymore. With 17 product lines and 70 overseas stores, she’s built a business empire and is ready for people to recognize it.

“I am a very hardworking businesswoman and entrepreneur, and that’s what I want to be known as now,” shares the hotel heiress.

“And, um, that’s what I want to be known as now” is some lazy shit! Good luck getting public perception to do a hard pivot from Spoiled Asshole to Hardworking Businesswoman & Entrepreneur just because you said the magic words on Access Hollywood. I’m not a PR expert, but I don’t think that’s how it works.

The weakest attempt at rebranding continues with the admission that she and Nicole Richie were playing characters during The Simple Life.

“They said ‘Nicole you play the trouble maker, Paris you play the ditzy airhead.’ We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into or what a huge success it would be and that I’d have to continue playing this character for five years.”

Okay, but what about the “character” she was playing when the cameras weren’t rolling? We all remember those halcyon Blohan years. When was I supposed to have discovered her amazing business acumen? During a foam party in Ibiza where she pressed play on a iPod Shuffle? And why is this happening to us? Did someone say “Parasite Hilton” 3 times into an empty Kitson storefront?

Apparently, Paris has “17 product lines and 70 overseas stores” and that means we’re supposed to take her seriously. I don’t know. This “$2 billion empire” that People speaks of is fine, but so what? Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen had that shit going when they were practically in diapers. And both of them had the sense to spend their adult years being witchy reculse types, which rules. My best guess is that Paris is being groomed to take over some Hilton Hotel empire stuff since Nicky is busy and Conrad is the new terrible shit of the family. Paris is basically trying to be the Ivanka of the family.

You can watch the full video here if you need to hurt yourself today.

Pic: Wenn

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