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December 1, 2016 / Posted by:

The collectible Cher dolls who helped nab a burglar! 

When I first read the headline, “Collectible Cher dolls lead to arrest of prolific Portland burglar,” the other day, I hoped it would be a story about how two crime-fighting Cher dolls threw themselves in the path of a thief, causing the robbing trick to fall, hit their head and stay passed out until the cops showed up. But that’s not what happened. KATU reports that two stolen Cher dolls helped link alleged burglar Jordan Bradley Payne to a bunch of robberies in the Portland, OR area. Detective La Toya better be planning a ceremony to award these fellow celebrity crime solvers with medals of valor!

Lindsay Lohan’s 21-year-old Pacific Northwest apprentice was put into handcuffs after police searched a motel room he was staying in with his girlfriend. The police found a bunch of shit including those two Cher dolls, one of which was Cher in her Turn Back Time ensemble. Well, Jordan Bradley Payne probably wishes that he could turn back time and not steal those Cher dolls (you knew that pun was coming). Those Cher dolls were snatched from the Northeast Portland home of John Eder on October 6th. The robber also stole money, an old passport and electronics from John’s house, but he tells KATU that after the police busted Jordan, they only wanted to know about the Cher dolls. John gave the cops pictures of his beloved Cher dolls and they were able to link Jordan to the robbery at his house, along with others in the area. That alleged Cher doll-stealer was reportedly trying to sell the dolls online.

Jordan Bradley Payne was hit with 30 burglary charges. The cops believe he robbed 15 homes in the past few months, and many more in the past year. Someone told Cher about this highly important story and she, of course, loved it:

I hope this goes to trial and I really hope that those collectors’ Cher dolls are called to the stand. They can’t move their plastic doll arms to point at Jordan, but they can clearly identity the thief by throwing a side-eye (which is permanent) at him in the court room. Woo! Schonny Bono!

Pics: KATU (For Bo and Mario)

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