Yesterday, we were all hit with the tragic news that the classiest wedding the world has ever seen is not going to happen. The definition of true love suffered another kick to the asshole when the union between Mariah Carey (or “trophy in L’eggs“ as James Packer probably looked at her as) and James Packer (or “bottomless bag of money” as Mariah Carey probably looked at him as) sunk to the bottom of the Aegean Sea. They were apparently trying to work things out, but now the chances of them getting back together are as slim as the chances of Mimi posting an Instagram picture that hasn’t been ran through Photoshop four times and touched by a dozen filters.
Mimi’s side says that she dumped him for being a jealous crazy bitch who got violent on her assistant on a yacht in Greece. James’ side says that he dumped her for being a crazy spendthrift bitch who spent way too much of his money and may have cheated on him with a dancer. Today TMZ says that even though they’re done, Mimi still wants James to spend more of his money on her. Mimi had to take cash from her own mountain of money (GASP!) to be with him and she wants him to reimburse her for that and then some. Shame: Mimi has none and I love it.
Sources say that Mimi has dropped an ultimatum into the lap of Scrooge McOgre. She wants him to stuff $50 million between her Hello Titties or else! (Not sure what the “or else” is. Either a lawsuit, or worse, maybe she’s threatening to release an incriminating video of him admitting that Glitter is the greatest cinematic achievement of this generation, which it is after Showgirls.) Mimi says that being with James cost her tens of millions of dollars, because she moved from NYC to Los Angeles so he could be close to his kids and she was left so traumatized after the situation with her assistant that she had to cancel the South American leg of her tour. Mimi also says that James made financial promises to her. He hasn’t commented yet.
Mimi is reportedly worth $520 million and she and James were only officially together for around 17 months, but still, he definitely should pay up and feel lucky about getting off that cheap. First of all, if they stayed together, she’d eventually spend all of his money on crap like a lab-made pink dolphin who can whistle the melody to all of her songs and a rose gold yacht. Second of all, James got a private Mimi concert every time she let out a 5-octave orgasm yodel. No, she didn’t let it out during sex. Mimi is a chaste butterfly, thankyouverymuch. She let it out every time James showed her his net worth on paper.
And in other news about this split, both E! News and TMZ say that the Vegas dancer Mimi allegedly had a “rendezvous” with is Bryan Tanaka. Mimi and Bryan got close during her Vegas show. Billionaire Shrek didn’t like that. A source tells TMZ that last June, Bryan showed up to Mimi’s show and James was there. Bryan wasn’t in the show that night, because he had a knee injury, but he showed up anyway. James thought it was suspicious of Bryan to show up. James pulled Bryan into a room and dropped his ogre rage on the dancer. TMZ’s source doesn’t know if things got violent in that room or not.
James also allegedly used his casino connections to get Bryan banned from Caesar’s Palace, which cost Bryan a job since that’s where Mimi performs. Mimi didn’t mind that much at the time, because Bryan couldn’t dance anyway due to his knee injury.
And here’s Mimi with her alleged hot side piece:
I guess Mimi was in the mood last night to add some fuel to the drama, because she went to Nobu in Malibu with some people and one of those people was Bryan Tanaka. So Mimi may be going from sugar baby to sugar mama by getting with a back-up dancer. How very JLo of Mimi. Mimi may not know her, but she’s dating like her.