Some People On Twitter Think That Pamela Anderson Is A Secret Assassin Who Poisoned Julian Assange With Vegan Food
Earlier I wrote about how Azealia Banks was kicked out of Russell Crowe’s hotel suite after allegedly acting a mess. And now I’m writing about how a few people on Twitter believe that Pamela Anderson murdered Julian Assange with a poisoned vegan sandwich. I fully expect my next post to be a truthful story about how Bat Boy recently butt birthed out the bat/alien baby he made with Benedict Cumberbatch, because today’s theme is: stories that read like they were ripped out of The Weekly World News.
Our maybe modern day Mata Hari, Pamela Anderson, paid a visit to WikiLeaks head bitch Julian Assange, who as everyone knows, has been living in the Ecuadorian embassy in London, because he doesn’t want to get extradited to Sweden to face possible rape charges (and later extradited to the U.S. to face espionage charges). CBS News says that during Pammy’s visit on Saturday, she gave him a vegan sandwich and vegan snacks from Pret A Manger. She is apparently worried about his health, or something. Pammy was supposed to visit Julian with Vivienne Westwood on Friday, but she claims she got the dates mixed up so she went on Saturday instead. Total spy move! Vivienne said that Pammy is starting some new trust and wanted to talk to Julian Assange about it. After the visit, Pammy jokingly told Britain’s Press Association that Julian got grossed out by the grass and cardboard sandwich she gave him:
Anderson joked that Assange wasn’t pleased with her choice of a meal, saying “he said I tortured him with bringing him vegan food.”
If you ask a handful of conspiracy theorists on Twitter, they’ll tell you that they don’t think Pamela was joking about torturing Julian Assange. They believe that after Julian ate that sandwich, he grabbed at his chest, fell on the floor and began the croaking process. And as Pamela Anderson stood over him, she made a face that was colder than her nips (see: pics of her hard nips below) and smiled as he screamed, “Damn you, Pamela Anderson! Damn you!”
After Pamela’s visit, WikiLeaks spat out three cryptic messages on Twitter. As Mashable points out, some on Reddit guessed that the tweets were a “dead man’s switch” that was triggered by the death of Julian Assange.
pre-commitment 1: John Kerry 4bb96075acadc3d80b5ac872874c3037a386f4f595fe99e687439aabd0219809
— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) October 16, 2016
pre-commitment 2: Ecuador
eae5c9b064ed649ba468f0800abf8b56ae5cfe355b93b1ce90a1b92a48a9ab72— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) October 16, 2016
pre-commitment 3: UK FCO f33a6de5c627e3270ed3e02f62cd0c857467a780cf6123d2172d80d02a072f74
— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) October 16, 2016
Everyone really needs a dead’s man switch. When mine goes off, my iTunes playlist will automatically be deleted, because my family doesn’t need to live with the shame of knowing that one of their own bought and downloaded a Justin Bieber album once.
Since Pammy had just visited Julian Assange, some on Twitter came up with the theory that Hillary Clinton’s people got revenge on Assange for the e-mail hack by blackmailing Pammy into assassinating him. But well, Julian is alive and those “cryptic” tweets were probably the result of his internet access getting cut off.
The WikiLeaks account later tweeted this:
We can confirm Ecuador cut off Assange's internet access Saturday, 5pm GMT, shortly after publication of Clinton's Goldman Sachs speechs.
— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) October 17, 2016
My sister is vegan, so I eat vegan food every now and again, and after I do, I pre-apologize to my toilet for the shit I’m about to put it through. Or should I say, the shit that’s about to be put through it. So even if Pammy didn’t poison that vegan sandwich, Julian could’ve suffered death by diarrhea. And if Pammy did poison his vegan sandwich, then she will go down as history’s most vicious assassin. I mean, can you imagine tempeh being the last thing you ever taste?!
Pics: Getty