Goopy Paltrow Claims She Stopped Being An Asshole After Her Dad Called Her One

October 11, 2016 / Posted by:

We are all that disgusted memaw and pepaw, because how would we be able to continue to shop at a grocery store where Goopy Paltrow’s freshly colonic’d ass probably leaked goop all over the checkout conveyor belt? But then again, I doubt Goopy would dare put her 22-year-old stripper ass on a conveyor belt covered with preservatives-filled peasant germs! So either Goopy was Photoshopped into that Greenpoint grocery store, or that counter was brand new and was ripped out after the shoot because she didn’t want her regal essence anywhere near that dreadful emporium of inedible commoner foods!

During an interview with Samantha Bee for Harper’s Bazaar, Goopy said that the Goopy Paltrow of today is much less of an asshole than the Goopy Paltrow of 17 years ago. Yes, Goopy used to be worse, but Bruce Paltrow saved us all.

Goopy said that around the time she won the Oscar, she was completely full of herself and she was so full of herself that her late father (and my hero) Bruce Paltrow gave her an ego enema of sorts by calling her an asshole. Bruce Paltrow’s keep-it-real comment popped the bubble of self-importance that Goopy was living in. And now, like all women over 40, she’s not an asshole.

SB: Has anyone ever said anything to you that was a complete game changer?

GP: I remember when I was maybe 27 years old and kind of at the height of my movie stardom—it was around the time of the Oscar and this and that. I think I was very much believing my own hype, which how could you not? I was sitting with my dad, feeling great about my life and everything that was happening, and he was like, “You know, you’re getting a little weird…You’re kind of an asshole.” And I was like, “What the hell?” I was totally devastated. But it turned out to be basically the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s the difference between someone who loves you more than anything in the world giving you criticism and getting it from some bitter stranger on the Internet. What my dad said to me was the kind of criticism where I was like, “Oh, my God, I’m on the wrong track.” I’m so grateful to him for doing that. He was such a no-nonsense guy in that sense.

SB: When I was a teenager, somebody said that to me. I hope nobody says that to me ever again.

GP: They won’t because you’re past 40, and by 40, all women are amazing.

SB: The deal is sealed.

GP: And if you’re an asshole at that point, then guess what?

SB: It’s over.

GP: It’s over. If you haven’t taken all of life’s incredible knocks and disappointments and used them to become a fully integrated, self-expressing person by the time you’re 40, then what can I tell you?

Um, if Goopy is trying to convince us that she’s no longer an asshole, then she’s doing a bad job since the words that came out of her mouth during that interview prove otherwise.

So after Bruce Paltrow checked Goopy and made her dial down her asshole behavior, she got on the right track by creating a pretentious lifestyle blog that reeks of elitism and self-absorption? Imagine what Goopy Paltrow would be like if her dad didn’t force feed her a giant slice of humble pie (made with 250-year-old humbleness bottled by monks in Tibet, of course). She’d be the kind of pretentious monster who’d make Kunty Karl Lagerfeld drop his sunglasses to say, “Um, you’re being a little much.” So Bruce Paltrow should get a posthumous Nobel Peace Prize for saving us from that, at least.

And here’s the totally humble and modest Goopy grocery shopping with the regulars while slathered in opulence. My thoughts and prayers are with the assistant who had to spend hours exfoliating off the peasant dust from Goopy’s ass after she rubbed it against that box of cereal.

Pics: Alexi Lubomirski/Harper’s Bazaar

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