Behold, Corey Feldman Giving The Performance Of His Career!
Corey Feldman is a human fountain of HIGH ART and he’s already gifted the world with masterpieces like his museum-worthy video for Ascension Millennium and the MS Paint-made cover for his double-album Angelic 2 The Core. But he somehow found a way to outdo himself in a Today Show performance that made people cringe so much that they have a new field of wrinkles on their face. They obviously cringed over the fact that they will never have the skills to swirl out the kind of flaming hot moves that Corey Feldman swirled out this morning.
Because I love to torture myself by listening to the smug dashboard bobblehead we call Billy Bush, I watch the third hour of Today and the music acts are either so annoying that they make me hit the mute button or they’re so boring that they make me hit the mute button. So I perked up and turned my chair to fully face the TV when Corey Feldman popped up and covered my screen with some real entertainment. While backed by a band of Slutoween angels, Corey danced like a robot skeleton marionette that got possessed by the spirit of Hollywood Blvd.’s fourth most popular Michael Jackson impersonator. Corey did all of that while wearing an outfit from Hot Topic’s Assassin’s Creed collection. To paraphrase The Chainsmokers: Corey Feldman is like Skrillex if Skrillex started making the illest shit and stopped dressing like an idiot.
All of Corey’s moves are next-level hot, but my favorites are the “flipping hot tortillas while on speed” (4:05) and the “rolling a joint in the air, lighting it and then putting it out with mah shoe” (4:25 mark). This magical performance also features a guest appearance by a bootleg MC Hammer who obviously didn’t get the memo to dress like either the Grim Reaper as a mariachi player (Corey) or like Frederick’s answer to the Victoria’s Secret Angels (Corey’s band).
Corey has been through it, so I hope this perfect performance leads to bigger things, like the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Lady Gaga could never! But she’ll try when she gets the Super Bowl gig and copies this work of art move by move.