Christie Brinkley Shows Us What America Is All About

July 5, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s an Independence Day miracle! Not that mess of a sequel that, despite horrific reviews, is somehow making money. I’m talking about some good ol’ American glamour! Glamour is the Bill of Rights! Glamour is fireworks! Glamour is standing up for your damn self! Glamour is the clash of good and evil that took place over the weekend between Christie Brinkley and a woman who decided to add yellow into the red, white, and blue mix.

Page Six reported that around 10pm on Saturday night, a woman named Erica Remkus just couldn’t hold it in anymore and decided to exercise her American right to pee on public property. Not so fast, Erica! While technically the rocks and sand she planned to relieve herself on are public property, they’re in front of Christie’s ginormous house/property in Sag Harbor Cove out in the Hamptons. It goes without saying that when Christie saw this disgusting act of pissery taking place, she got all kinds of riled up. As Erica popped a squat, she heard the shouts of a true patriot:

“What are you doing?! You can’t pee in front of my house! You have to go away. You’re standing on my rocks. You can’t pee on my rocks. I walk there!”

I walk there” is the new inspirational quote on my business cards I just ordered from Vistaprint. The argument continued in full 1775 fashion when Erica responded:

“These are not your rocks. This is not your beach. The beach is public property. You don’t own it.”

And that’s when Christie put on her tailcoat, picked up her hose and blasted Erica with a stream of clean, pure American water! How very dare Erica think that just because we’re no longer under the rule of the tyrannical monarchy that she can go around pissing wherever she pleases?! This is America, not some lawless Mad Max land.

After getting hit with Christie’s wet whip of justice, Erica said she “hadn’t even peed yet, by the way” and that she “would not have peed if she didn’t spray me. After that, I kind of had to.” Sullying Erica’s already tarnished reputation is that she said she didn’t immediately recognize it was Christie Brinkley she was arguing with. Really, Erica? How petty. And clearly a lie! Christie called the cops, but they didn’t cite Erica because no officer actually witnessed it happening. Christie released a statement about this piss situation through her publicist to Page Six:

“I know it’s Independence Day but that does not mean free to pee right in front of my guests and me at my fireworks gathering. Maybe the trespasser should celebrate Depends Day, as I was forced to hose down her mess. My wish for everyone on this Fourth of July is, ‘May you live in the land of the free from belligerent drunken stalkers with weak bladders and foul mouths.’ That’s not too much to ask, right? Peace! I’ll raise my glass of Bellissima Prosecco to that! Cheers, happy Fourth everyone.”

For those of you that may not know, Bellissima Prosecco is Christie’s brand of sparkling wine. What’s more American than standing up for rights, calling the police and plugging your product? Christie, I salute you! God bless America!


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