If you’ve sold whatever soul you have left to be on a hit reality show, your contract with Satan usually states that you must do one of the following:
- Get a DUI
- Commit child abuse
- Beat a bitch with a bottle in the club
- Terrorize innocent ear drums by releasing a dance song
- Pull some fraud shit
Abby Lee Miller of Lifetime’s Dance Moms has already completed the second one since she regularly strengthens the dark orb of evil in her chest by feeding off of the fear of the little girls she yells at. But I guess she wanted bonus points with Satan, because she also completed the last one.
Last year, Abby was charged with bankruptcy fraud for trying to hide more than $755,000 when she filed for Chapter 11. Abby also got in trouble for not reporting more than $10,000 worth of foreign currency she brought in from Australia in 2014. Prosecutors didn’t say exactly how much money she brought in. The Associated Press says that Abby will plead guilty to the charges on Monday of next week. Abby pooted out a statement through her Pittsburgh-based lawyer:
“Events over the past several months have been extremely challenging for me, my family, my friends and most important, my students. Because of this I made the very difficult decision to close the door on this chapter of my life by accepting responsibility for mistakes I have made along the way. I appreciate all the wonderful messages of support I’ve received from around the world and look forward to the future and getting back to my life’s work; helping young dancers fulfill their potential.”
“…the wonderful messages of support I’ve received from around the world…” I’m sorry, Abby, but forcing your poor dancers to write you cards of support in different languages before giving them to you doesn’t count! And there’s a major typo in that statement. Instead of “helping young dancers fulfill their potential,” she should’ve written, “siphoning the souls out of children to fulfill my promise to my maker.”
But seriously, the way Abby got caught is pretty funny. A bankruptcy judge who was familiar with Abby’s case was channel surfing one day and happened to watch her show. They figured that Abby was making a lot more than the $8,899 in monthly income she was claiming. That led to an investigation, which led to authorities discovering that Abby hid $228,000 she made from her 2 reality shows and $550,000 she made from appearances and merchandise.
Let this be a lesson! If you’re on a reality show and want to hide money from the IRS, make sure you’re always wearing rags, always have dirt smeared on your face and get the producers to air footage of you depositing your monthly salary (3 wood coins) into your bank (a coffee can hid under your cot in your shack). Rookie mistake, Abby!