Sorry Ladies, But Charlie Sheen Says He’s Never Getting Married Again

June 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Here’s some news that’s bound to be a real bummer to those lovesick dreamers out there who were wishing on a star that they might one day be the next goddess to write the name “Mrs. Charlie Sheen” on their checks.

During a recent interview with Extra to promote a new condom (but more on that in a second), humanoid sketchy pet shop lizard Charlie Sheen admitted that he will never get married again. Charlie says he is too busy trying to stay healthy to be married to someone. But….he also admits that he sucks at marriage.

“There’s nobody special right now. I’m not dating. I got my hands full with dealing with my health, taking care of my family. People ask me about marriage. You know, I think I would sooner walk on the moon in exactly what I’m wearing than head back to the altar….Never going to happen, never going to happen. When you’re terrible at something, why keep doing it? I’m 0 for 3.”

Charlie’s first marriage ended in 1996 after he was busted for being a name on Heidi Fleiss’ client list. His second marriage to Denise Richards ended in 2006, but they’re still fighting about money. His third marriage to Brooke Mueller is also a mess (they’re also fighting about money and she recently took out a restraining order against him). So getting married again might not be a great idea. Holy shit, did Charlie Sheen just say something that makes sense?

Okay, so about that condom thing.

Charlie is now endorsing LELO condoms. LELO is the same company that makes Gwyneth Paltrow’s favorite 24k gold vibrator. I wonder if they tried to get her as a spokesperson? “Ew, I’m sorry, but I don’t use your cheap gold-plated dildos anymore. I fuck myself with a $1.6 million piece of polished shale that NASA brought back from Mars now.” Charlie is hustling the LELO HEX condom, a condom made of hexagons, which he (and LELO) claims is the first major condom innovation in 70 years. Charlie Sheen knows how ironic it is that Charlie Sheen is trying to sell you condoms.

“Shouldn’t a guy with five kids, a granddaughter and HIV be buying condoms and not selling them, but it does kind of make perfect sense. I don’t know if there is a better ‘spokesperson’ past, future and present to talk about the importance of condoms and the stigma they’ve had for so long.”

And about his health, Charlie says that he’s currently participating in an FDA drug trial study that involves one shot of drugs every week instead of a handful of pills every day. Charlie believes it’s the “future” of HIV treatment. He also says he doesn’t go on benders anymore and he doesn’t drink as much as he used to. Okay, but what is “as much” to Charlie Sheen? For most of us, that means leaving a little bit of wine in the bottle at the end of the night. For Charlie, that could mean doing vodka shots out of one hooker’s ass instead of two. Charlie really needs to be more specific.

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