Richard Simmons’ Rep Shits On The Rumors That He’s Transitioning Into Fiona Simmons

Tell the likes of Bella Hadid, Kendull Jenner, Jourdan Dunn and Gigi Hadid that they can get out of the unemployment line. They probably figured that their cute little modeling careers are over as soon as they saw that totally real picture of Fiona Simmons giving face and posing better than they ever could. But Richard Simmons’ rep says that “Fiona Simmons” doesn’t exist.

Over the weekend, J. Harvey posted a story that brought the sads upon many including me. 67-year-old Richard was taken to the hospital on Friday night after his housekeeper (the one who has been accused of holding him hostage) noticed that he was acting “bizarre.” Richard’s rep said that he was dehydrated and was released the next day on Saturday. TMZ posted a blurry picture of what they say is a bearded Richard leaving the hospital on Monday.

As many of us know, Richard went from being a pucker-inducing public rainbow in a dandelion fro to being recluse who hardly ever leaves his Hollywood Hills home. Richard said that his knee just won’t let him kick and stretch on the ho stroll anymore, and he just wants to be away from public eyes for now. Today, the almost-Pulitzer Prize winning The National Enquirer said that the real reason why Richard has been staying away from the spotlight is that he’s transitioning into a woman.

Richard has done RuPaul’s Drag Race-winning drag before, but a source tells the Enquirer that Richard is transgender and has already gotten titty implants and is taking hormones. They even say that Richard is living full-time as Fiona and looking to get gender reassignment surgery. Just when everyone was about to declare that Fiona Simmons will replace Caitlyn Jenner as the new face of the transgender movement (Thank GOD!), Richard’s rep said that The National Enquirer is lyin’ to the oldies and everyone else. Richard’s rep gave this denial to People:

“It’s not true. He is not transitioning into a woman. He has decided to live quietly the last few years. He had knee surgery a few years ago and has a bum knee. He is still on twitter and Facebook and works behind the scenes continuing to inspire and motivate people to lose weight. When he decides to come back, he will come back.”

All together now: “LEAVE RICHARD ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!” I know, I need to scream that at myself.

These tabloids are going all fucking out. Richard Simmons is being held hostage! Richard Simmons got a secret boob job! Richard Simmons has secretly ran off to the Netherlands to run a dandelion farm and the “Richard Simmons” we see every now and again is actually a decoy played by his secret twin brother! (I made that last one up, but I am 99% sure it’s in InTouch this week.) Maybe one of those stories is true. Or maybe Richard is going through something else. Or maybe at 67 years old, he just wants to live that “watch court shows in your chonies while eating snack size Almond Joys” life. Being a glitter-embedded ball of sunshine in shiny shorty shorts has to be really damn exhausting. Hell, whenever I have to smile for longer than 3 seconds, I need to take a nap, so I can only imagine how tired international treasure Richard Simmons is.