A Blake Lively Instagram Post Brought The Outrage, And Made Me Feel Really, Really Old

May 18, 2016 / Posted by:

For being about as bland as a dried out water chestnut lying on a bed of wilted iceberg lettuce, Blake NotSoLively knows how to bring the controversy!

Fresh off from mouth dribbling out more heave-inducing words of praise for feminist worm dingle Woody Allen, Blake pissed people off again last night. Blake wore one of Miss Delaware 1989’s rejected gowns to the Cafe Society premiere at Cannes last week, but since everything about her is slow, just got around to posting pictures of it on Instagram. People didn’t get mad over the fact that it looks like Blake stole a dress from Vanna White and wore it worse. Blake’s caption is what really brought out the torches out. “Ah do declare, just thinking of the blazing light illuminating off of the torches of the gentlemen as they take their nightly walk in white robes takes my breath away,” said Beige O’Hara.

The most offensive part of this screen shot of Blake’s caption is that it reveals I follow her on Instagram. Now here’s my scandal:


Some didn’t understand Blake’s caption and some were offended. Jezebel wrote this about Blake’s “Oh, my, god, Becky, look at her butt” moment: “In the end, it touts a diametrical opposition: that Los Angeles can be equated to elegance and/or beauty (read: whiteness), and that Oakland is its foil (read: blackness).”

Meanwhile, as some tricks scratched their heads over what Blake’s caption meant, I scratched at the grey pube sprouting out of my wrinkled and geriatric crotch. Because I, being an old, immediately knew that line came from the mind of esteemed 90s philosopher and THE QUEEN’s most cherished knighthood recipient Sir Mix-A-Lot. Doesn’t everybody know every line to “Baby Got Back,” because didn’t everyone’s mom drunk dance to it at a wedding? Or maybe Blake wasn’t quoting Sir Mix-A-Lot. Maybe what she meant is that her face was crafted with a Los Angeles plastic surgeon’s scalpel and her ass implants were stuffed into her nalgas by a plastic surgeon in Oakland.

And really, the only way to make everyone forget about this is for Ryan Reynolds to post a fully hard nude pic on Twitter with the caption: “My anaconda….

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

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