As The Slytherins Cackle, Hermione Granger Was Named In The Panama Papers Leak

May 11, 2016 / Posted by:

I’ll gasp and clutch my chest as soon as I find out what the hell the Panama Papers is.

The Panama Papers aren’t what you used to roll that joint last night, and it’s also not the name of a calypso-electro band based out of Brooklyn. The Panama Papers are millions of leaked documents that details the hundreds of thousands of offshore accounts created by the Panama City-based law firm Mossack Fonseca. Many of the offshore shell companies were created by THEE ELITE to avoid paying taxes. Some kind soul created a Panama Papers guide for dummies video, and you can watch it here if you want to. Personally, I’m waiting for Ryan Murphy to develop an 8-episode FX miniseries about the Panama Papers starring Jessica Lange and John Travolta. That’s when I’ll really understand it.

Several famous names, like Simon Cowell and Heather Mills, have come up in the leak, and yesterday, it was reported that Emma Watson’s name comes up in the searchable database. Emma is the beneficiary of a company based in the British Virgins Island. A rep for the feminist idol and goodwill ambassador admits that she set up the company, but denies that she did it for tax-evading reasons. And a million “Hermione Granger and the Panamanian Chamber of Tax Secrets” jokes were born.

Emma’s rep says that the offshore company was used to protect her privacy. Emma used the company to buy a home in London. Emma’s rep spit out this statement to The Spectator:

“Emma (like many high profile individuals) set up an offshore company for the sole purpose of protecting her anonymity and safety. UK companies are required to publicly publish details of their shareholders and therefore do not give her the necessary anonymity required to protect her personal safety, which has been jeopardised in the past owing to such information being publicly available.

Offshore companies do not publish these shareholder details. Emma receives absolutely no tax or monetary advantages from this offshore company whatsoever – only privacy.”

Everything I know about the finances of the rich I learned from soap operas and movies starring Pierce Brosnan, so I thought that most wealthy whores had offshore accounts. Like when you make your first million, you get a rich bitch starter kit that includes a First Class ticket to the Caribbean, a floppy hat, sunglasses and a metal briefcase to put all your cash in. But really, if Hermione Granger wanted to get out of paying taxes, couldn’t she just use the Taxidus Avoidus spell? Or maybe she did…

And “off-shore account” sounds so fancy. I’m going to take a boat ride to Catalina Island and open up a checking account at a bank there, just so that the next time I use my debit card to pay for brunch at IHOP with my friends, I can say, “Oh, I need to make a note to transfer some funds from my offshore-adjacent account.” Catalina Island counts as offshore, right?


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