Good News For Those Of You Who Wanted A 3-Minute Remake Of “Spring Breakers” Starring Rihanna

April 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Three minutes of music video footage, and that was the safest-for-work screengrab available. Rihanna truly outdid herself this time! Earlier today, RiRi released the music video for her latest single, “Needed Me“, and in case it wasn’t clear enough from the title up top, it’s basically Spring Breakers. But, you know, for people who saw Spring Breakers and left the theater thinking: “You know, this is good, but what would make it really great would be way more strippers, titties, asses, guns, motorcycles, money, nipple piercings, people that look like they have all the hepatitises, and 100% less James Franco.

The video, which was directed by Spring Breakers and Gummo director Harmony Korine, opens with a weed-smoking RiRi wearing a vintage dressing gown and wandering around a fancy condo in slow-motion like a Lana Del Rey robot with a low-battery. Then she rides a motorcycle in slow-motion. Eventually she strolls into a strip club in slow-motion and shoots a dude while he’s getting a slow-motion lap dance. I guess Drake and the horny phantom from the “Kiss It Better” video were busy, because they don’t make an appearance. Thankfully, Rihanna’s nipples were kind enough to take some time out of their busy schedules and step in. I know it’s probably beyond redundant to say this, but the following video is NSFW.

If anyone is looking for Taylor Swift, she just crawled into a pile of dusty rose throw pillows, curled in the fetal position with her hands over her eyes, and started whispering “I want to forget…I want to forget….

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