Your Ass Would Probably Need Medical Attention If Gwen Stefani Told You The Juicy Details Of Her Split

March 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Gwen Stefani did an interview with The New York Times to promote her new album This Is What The Truth Feels Like, which she made after her 13-year-marriage to Gavin Rossdale was shuffled off to the morgue. Gwen wouldn’t spill out the details about what went wrong, because Gavin is still the father of her three sons. But Gwen Stefani just had to tease us with the scandal of it all by saying that she can’t say shit, but we’d probably need to be brought back to life with defibrillator pads if we knew the truth.

Gwen actually called the story of her divorce a “juicy” one. Sounding like a Real Housewife and shit.

Ms. Stefani won’t discuss the details, partly to protect her children, but said: “If I could, I would just tell you everything, and you would just be in shock. It’s a really good, juicy story.” (The tabloids say Mr. Rossdale was having a several-years-long affair with a nanny caring for the couple’s three sons.)

Gwen only said that one morning in February 2015, she woke up and her life had “literally blown up” into her face. Literally. After Gwen got plastic surgery to repair her face from life exploding on it, she used the hurt she felt to write songs for her new album. Since Gwen seems to want to give us the juiciness, she should’ve used her music to subtly spill the details. What I’m saying is that the track listing to her new album should’ve read like this:

1 – Used To Love You.

2 – But Then I Found Out You Put Your Cheating Dick In Mann’s Puss

3 – How Sad Of You

4 – To Get With A Broke Down Dollar Tree Version Of Me 

5 – Stupid Ass Got Caught By The Cloud (That’s Right)

6 – And Let’s Not Even Get Into The Texts

7 – Between You And That Whore Marilyn (featuring Boy George

8 – Screw Love

9 – I’m All About The Showmance Now (featuring Blake Shelton)

10 – PS

11 – Your Band Is Trash

Too subtle still? Yeah. Gwen also talked about her new photo-op love Blake Shelton a bit. Gwen said that they got close because they literally went through the exact same thing at the same time.

He “had been going through literally the exact same thing in literally the exact same time frame,” she said. Her friendship with him blossomed.

“Never in my wildest, craziest dreams would I ever have seen this coming.”

Okay, so that means I have to add one more song to my fake track listing:

Bonus Track – Miranda Fucked A Nanny Too (Cowgirl Remix)

Here’s a few beyond thrilling pictures of Gwen Stefani in Culver City, CA a couple of days ago.


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