Okay, Who Is Spreading These Slanderous Lies About Leonardo DiCatchAHo?

The Sun is normally a highly-esteemed literary journal all of us can trust, so that is why I am really disappointed in them for printing a story from a vindictive piece of trash source who is obviously out to ruin Leonardo DiCatchAHo!

An “onlooker” tells The Sun that at a BAFTAs after-party in London on Sunday night, a group of women were “vying” for Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s attention. That part is not shocking at all. If you ever find yourself near Leonardo’s presence, you better be prepared to dodge and duck, because women throw their coochies at him left and right. You gotta watch for flying vaginas. The source says that Leonardo picked one woman out of the group of women trying to get his attention. It didn’t take long before they were “all over each other.” The two later went back to hotel suite where a small party was going on. They continued to be all “over each other” until 5 in the morning. The source also says that at one point, Leonardo DiCatchAHo stopped being “all over” that woman and started being “all over” 29-year-old model Lily Donaldson, but he was mostly “all over” that woman. Here’s what we know about the woman Leonardo was “all over” until 5 in the morning:

– Her name is Laura Whitmore. Okay, that works.

– She’s Irish and was the host of the UK’s I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! NOW! Okay, that works too. DiCatchAHo doesn’t always do models (see: Blake NotSoLively).

– She’s blonde. Duh.

– She’s skinny. Double duh.

– She’s 30 years old. Huh??????

That last fact is what made me transform into Kathy Bates in American Horror Story: Coven and whisper scream, “Liiiiiiiies.” That’s not a typo. She’s 30. She’s not 20. I didn’t even think it was physically possible for current day Leonardo DiCaprio to get with a 30-year-old woman. I was under the impression that anytime Leonardo tries to stick his tongue or peen into a woman who isn’t blonde and is over the age of 29, his tongue and peen immediately pop out. You know, kind of like in the old days when your computer would spit out an unreadable floppy disk. It’s like the reverse of that. Sometimes, Leonardo probably gets his bro-in-waiting Lukas Haas to blow on his peen or tongue so he can try again. That’s why I cannot believe this story. Who would really be vicious enough to try to ruin Leonardo’s reputation as a 20-something blonde-fucker?

I bet it was that shifty freckled ferret Eddie Redmayne. Eddie Redmayne wants to win a back-to-back Best Actor Oscar so bad that he’s willing to stoop to smear campaigns. Eddie knows that there’s many old white male Oscar voters who envy Leonardo DiCatchAHo because he gets to hump on 20-something blonde after 20-something blonde. They probably vote for him because of that. But now they’ll never vote for him if they think that he does grandmas. Shame on Eddie Redmayne for this. Shame on him!

Someone made a video game where you help Leonardo get his hands on an Oscar. The main evil boss in the video game should really be Eddie Redmayne.

And here’s geriatric-aged Laura Whitmore at the BAFTAs on Sunday.

Pics: Wenn.com