The Oscar Nominations Really Brought The Surprises This Year!!!!!!!

And I mean the direct opposite of that.

The Oscar nominations were farted up this morning and they were as predictable as a drunken me ending my Friday night searching for ginger daddy porn on PornHub while eating spoonfuls of sugar because I ran out of candy. The only real surprise was that the Oscar messes didn’t find a way to nominate Meryl Streep for something. I expected to hear the words, “And for Best Actress, the nominees are Meryl Streep for um, err, being Meryl Streep.” I guess Meryl Streep has this year off and is letting the lessers have their little fun.

Johnny Depp’s housekeeper will be spending their afternoon scrubbing eyeliner tears out of his scarves, because he wasn’t nominated. Ridley Scott, Jane Fonda, Helen Mirren, Idris Elba, Will Smith, Steven Spielberg, the little boy from Room and Aaron Sorkin were also shut out of that shit. The Revenant got the most nominations with 12 and Mad Max: Fury Road got 10 nominations (but none for Charlize!). And Jennifer Lawrence better book that rehearsal space, because she’s going to need to practice her red carpet falling moves again since she was also nominated.

And on Golden Globes night, I joked that Lady CaCa will probably win an Oscar before Leonardo DiCatchAHo does. That could really happen, because she got a nomination for the song she wrote with Diane Warren for The Hunting Ground. I pray we’ll get an encore performance of this:

All the nominations are after the cut. It’s #OscarsSoWhite: The Sequel!

Best Motion Picture
The Big Short
Bridge of Spies
Brooklyn
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Room
Spotlight

Best Actor
Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
Matt Damon, The Martian
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl

Best Actress
Cate Blanchett, Carol
Brie Larson, Room
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years
Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn

Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale, The Big Short
Tom Hardy, The Revenant
Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight
Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
Sylvester Stallone, Creed

Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
Rooney Mara, Carol
Rachel McAdams, Spotlight
Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

Best Director
Adam McKay, The Big Short
George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road
Alejandro González Iñárritu, The Revenant
Lenny Abrahamson, Room
Tom McCarthy, Spotlight

Best Adapted Screenplay
The Big Short
Brooklyn
Carol
The Martian
Room

Best Original Screenplay
Bridge of Spies
Ex Machina
Inside Out
Spotlight
Straight Outta Compton

Best Animated Feature Film
Anomalisa
Boy and the World
Inside Out
Shaun the Sheep Movie
When Marnie Was There

Best Cinematography
Carol
The Hateful Eight
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Revenant
Sicario

Best Documentary Feature
Amy
Cartel Land
The Look of Silence
What Happened, Miss Simone?
Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom

Best Documentary Short Subject
Body Team 12
Chau, Beyond the Lines
Claude Lanzmann: Spectres of the Shoah
A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness
Last Day of Freedom

Best Film Editing
The Big Short
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Revenant
Spotlight
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Best Foreign Language Film
Embrace of the Serpent
Mustang
Son of Saul
Theeb
A War

Best Makeup and Hairstyling
Mad Max: Fury Road
The 100-Year Old Man Who Climbed Out a Window and Disappeared
The Revenant

Best Original Score
Bridge of Spies
Carol
The Hateful Eight
Sicario
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Best Original Song
“Earned It” from Fifty Shades of Grey
“Manta Ray” from Racing Extinction
“Simple Song No. 3” from Youth
“Till It Happens to You” from The Hunting Ground
“Writing’s on the Wall” from Spectre

Best Production Design
Bridge of Spies
The Danish Girl
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant

Best Costume Design
Carol
Cinderella
The Danish Girl
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Revenant

Best Live Action Short Film
Ave Maria
Day One
Everything Will Be Okay (Alles Wird Gut)
Shok
Stutterer

Best Animated Short Film
Bear Story
Prologue
Sanjay’s Super Team
We Can’t Live Without Cosmos
World of Tomorrow

Best Visual Effects
Ex Machina
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Best Sound Editing
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Sicario
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Best Sound Mixing
Bridge of Spies
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Star Wars: The Force Awakens