Open Post And Holiday Programming Note: Hosted By Polar Bears Playing In The Snow

As a special Christmas gift this year, the San Diego Zoo transported their incarcerated polar bears to their native land by dropping 26 tons of fluffy white snow into their enclosure. “If they really wanted to transport those polar bears to their native land, they would’ve dropped 10 trillion gallons of melted ice cap water into their enclosure,” said a Debbie Downer somewhere.

Hos in NYC are practically topless sunbathing while sipping an egg nog daiquiri on Christmas Eve Day, but all the way over in San Diego, Kalluk the Polar Bear, Tatqiq the Polar Bear and Chinook the Polar Bear got to roll around in ice cold snow. The New York Times says that the snow gift was paid for with donations to the zoo’s Animal Care Wish List program. To make shit even more exciting for the polar bears, the zookeepers hid yams, carrots, melons and beef bones in the snow. San Diego Zoo’s senior keeper said this about the powdery gift:

“This was a special day for the polar bears, and I could tell they really loved it. It was great seeing them roll around in the snow, showcasing their natural behaviors.”

Who knew that a polar bear’s natural behaviors also look like the behaviors of a coked-up cokehead. This video is like Charlie Sheen’s recurring wet dream. In nearly every second of this video, I pictured the polar bears screaming, “Cooooooooooooooke,” in their heads.

Speaking of an ice cold snowy tundra, I’m going to Denver for a few days for New Year’s. I’ll be there to visit family, but I’ll mostly be there to once again dine on the finest Mexican food the world has to offer at the Michelin-starred Walmart Tire Shop-starred Casa Bonita. So because I’ll be busy clogging up the Denver sewer system after eating at Casa Bonita, posting will be a little lighter next week. Allison is helping me out on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Allison is also traveling this Saturday, so I’ll be filling in for her by farting up a post or three. Everything will be back to normal on Monday, January 4th. That’s if I don’t get arrested for barging into the board room of a random company in Denver to let everyone know that I’m the new majority shareholder and if they don’t go along with my plans I’ll fire them all on the spot!