One of Anthony Bourdain’s signature dishes is shit-talking soufflé, which many people can’t get enough of and wants several servings of. Anthony regularly trashes TV cooks from Paula Deen to Rachael Ray to Adam Richman to tablescape earth angel Sandra Lee. (I still can’t with Anthony for dragging Our Patron Saint of Kwanzaa Cakes.) But one of Anthony’s favorite targets to shit all over is hairy bleached hedgehog wart Guy Fieri. Anthony Bourdain has said that Guy Fieri is what you would get “if Ed Hardy fucked a Juggalo” and called his Times Square emporium of vending machine cuisine a “terror dome.” Surprisingly, Guy is not amused.
GQ recently interviewed Guy Fieri about his new wine (which probably has notes of Mountain Dew, wild spice Axe body spray, used douche water and ass pimple pus) and they brought up Anthony Bourdain. Guy doesn’t like Anthony Bourdain’s trash talking at all. If you took Anthony Bourdain’s trash talking, stuffed it with Manwich, wrapped it in Pillsbury dough and deep fried it before slathering it with a sauce made of Velveeta, ranch dressing and mayo seasoned with Taco Bell taco seasoning, Guy still wouldn’t like it.
“It’s actually disappointing. I don’t like him making fun of people, and I don’t like him talking shit. And he’s never talked shit to my face. I know he’s definitely gotta have issues, ’cos the average person doesn’t behave that way. It’s not that I’m not open to the reality that the food world was like this from a few people’s perspective. It’s just, What are you doing? What is your instigation? You have nothing else to fucking worry about than if I have bleached hair or not? I mean, fuck.”
Correction, Douche Miser, the average person does make fun of Guy Fieri. It has brought this country together many times. With that being said, the time has really come for Anthony Bourdain and Guy Fieri to settle things, and the only way they should settle it is with a naked oil wrestling match in Kitchen Stadium! The pool can even be filled with olive oil made by fifth-generation olive oil artisans in a remote Greek town so that Anthony will get into it. But you know, maybe that’s not fair.
Because Guy can easily win that match before it even starts. All he has to do is do this in front of Anthony:
It would be kind of hard for Anthony to wrestle after ripping his eyeballs out with his own fingers.