Selena Gomez Didn’t Go To Rehab, She Was Undergoing Chemotherapy, You Assholes!

October 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Two Februarys ago, everyone (including our asshole asses) spread the story that Selena Gomez had spent two weeks in The Meadows, a rehab place in Arizona, to deal with all sorts of shit including an addiction to booze, Ambien, weed and Bieber dick. The story was that Selena needed to get herself together and cleanse her soul after spending so much time with Justin Bieber and his gang of dried taint scabs. Selena’s abuelo later said that she has lupus and was in treatment for that. Selena hasn’t talked about it until her newest interview with Billboard. Selena is screaming, “I have lupus, you assholes, and shut the hell up, Dr. House, I know what you’re going to say next.

Selena tells Billboard that she wanted to verbally throat punch all the pieces of trash who said that she took a break for rehab, because she really took a break to treat her lupus with chemotherapy.

“I was diagnosed with lupus, and I’ve been through chemotherapy. That’s what my break was really about. I could’ve had a stroke. I wanted so badly to say, ‘You guys have no idea. I’m in chemotherapy. You’re assholes.’ I locked myself away until I was confident and comfortable again.”

When the wrong story made the rounds, Selena felt bad, because she didn’t think she deserved that kind of treatment. She’s a nice person! She’s a UNICEF ambassador! She doesn’t deserve to be gossiped about like that! Selena’s quotes gave me light shades of Angelea’s unforgettable “Bitch, I worked at a bank” monologue from America’s Next Top Model.

“I’m so fucking nice to everybody, and everyone is so vile to me. I’ve been working since I was 7. I’ve been a UNICEF ambassador since I was 17. It’s so disappointing that I’ve become a tabloid story. The hate motivated me.”

Selena says that all the shit-talking and hate took her music to places it’s never been before. Hmmmm, so if her new album is a huge hit, all of us who passed around that story and talked a lot of shit should get a cut of its profits. E-mail us for our PayPal info, Selena! But seriously, Selena may not have gone to rehab, but I probably should go. Because I had an early morning nightmare where I was dancing to Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?” and I had a smile on my face. That nightmare is my self-conscious’ way of telling me, “GET HELP.”

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