Just When You Thought That Florida Couldn’t Get Any Crazier

October 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Q: How can you make my favorite state Florida a thousand times crazier?

A: Inject some Tom Cruise into it!

Floridians better curb their glibness, because the Prince of Scientology may become a full-time citizen of their land. Tommy is currently trying to sell his 10,000 square foot Beverly Hills mansion on the down low for $50 million. So if you have $50 million and you’re looking for a mansion that’s got an underground cell for your prison bride and an enormous shoe closet to house all of your high heels in, look no more. But Tommy isn’t looking for another mansion in Los Angeles. A source tells UsWeekly that he wants to live closer to Scientology’s headquarters in Clearwater, FL.

“Tom hates living in L.A. and is relocating to Florida,” a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly. “He thinks all the people in Hollywood are fake.”

The Scientologist, 53, who listed his Beverly Hills mansion for $59 million, is also looking forward to being closer to his church’s headquarters in Clearwater, Fla. Fellow believer John Travolta “loves his life there and inspired Tom,” says the source. “He was ready to go.”

Tommy does have a point. People in Hollywood are really fake and I bet even their Thetans are filled with Botox and silicone. It’s best that he goes off to Florida to be with real, sane people who believe in real things like an intergalactic dictator who ruled a space confederacy 75 million years ago and brought his billions of followers to earth so he could stack them around volcanoes and kill them with hydrogen bombs. Real stuff like that.

And honestly, if Tommy Girl moves to Florida, I’m sure the state’s production of authentic fuckery will drop by a huge percentage. Because all of the gator fuckers, meth heads and beautiful messes are going to throw up their hands and say, “There goes the neighborhood,” before moving to another state.

Pic: Wenn.com

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