Social media mogul Frankie Grande Latte is about as pleasant as an ingrown ass hair, but I cannot hate on what he served up at the MTV VMAs tonight. Frankie looks like he just got back from the first ever all-gay Burning Man in Ibiza and he also looks like Oprah just scooted across his brows after shitting gold. That really is the look.
If you’re planning on watching the annual “MTV We Don’t Show Videos Anymore But We’re Going To Recognize Them In This Ceremony Because We Know We’ll Get A Lot Of Attention From Miley Cyrus Showing Her Tits Awards” tonight, then I’m guessing that in the middle of your living room, you’ve got a plastic kiddie pool full of Popov vodka. Because the only way to watch all 6 hours of that mess is to watch it while sitting in a pool full of the sweet nectar with a long straw permanently attached to your mouth. I know, the VMAs are technically 2 hours long, but Kanye West is getting the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, so he’s going to need a good 3 and a half hours to figuratively deep throat his own dick while licking his own nuts and b-hole at the same time.
The list of hos performing is a real who’s who and what I mean by that is, it’ll make you scream WHO? a bunch of times. The performers are: Walk the Moon, Tori Kelly, Twenty One Pilots, A$AP Rocky, Demi Lovato, The Weeknd, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Pharrell Williams, Nicki Minaj and the hood rat stuff king of the playground Justin Bieber. Although, the Biebs got a ticket last night for driving his tricked-out Big Wheels too fast, so his dad Usher may ground him and refuse to let him perform. Miley Cyrus is supposedly going to close the show with a bunch of queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race, but by then, most of us will be busy chasing our livers around after they quit our bodies because they can’t take it anymore.
I may throw up a couple of VMAs posts tonight and tomorrow, Allison is helping me cover all the foolery. As for a drinking game, just take the biggest swig possible every time a presenter or winner opens their mouth to speak. There’s a 50/50 chance they’re going to say something eye roll-worthy, so you’re going to need a quick shot of booze to get you through it. I really can’t wait. I hope it’s a beautiful mess.
Speaking of a mess, here’s more of Frankie Grande Latte looking like a craft project on the wrong kind of crack. Do not show these pictures to your grandma, because she’ll be pissed that Frankie Grande Latte is wearing the same blazer she wore to your cousin’s wedding.