Mariah Carey Is Dating Miranda Kerr’s Billionaire Ex-Boyfriend

June 20, 2015 / Posted by:

As if you couldn’t tell by the picture above of Mariah Carey holding hands while strolling along some street in Italy like an assonnato farfalla principessa (sleepy butterfly princess), she has a new man in her life. And that man is Miranda Kerr’s former billionaire boyfriend James Packer. Yes, the same dude who once got into a sloppy front lawn fight with another billionaire over Miranda Kerr. Eh, still an upgrade from Brett Ratner.

Speaking of, TMZ says that Mariah and James (who I’d love to call Meatpacker, but I won’t) met through Brett Ratner. Sources say that James was really into Mariah, and started “pursuing” her for months. So basically, he sent a million Hello Kitty bouquets to her house, and when that didn’t work, he sent her a picture of his billionaire bank account balance. Since Mariah knows that pairs of pure gold Spanx don’t grow on trees, she agreed to go on a date. TMZ says Mariah and James are staying on his yacht, which is currently in Capri, Italy. After Capri, they’re going to Cannes and St. Tropez. Then they’ll swing by Jennifer Lopez’s beach house so she can shout, “HAHAHAHAHA! I’M FUCKING A BILLIONAIRE, BITCH,” through a megaphone.

Mariah’s not due back in Las Vegas until July 11th, but now that she’s a billionaire’s girlfriend, do we think she’ll even go back to Las Vegas? Her life is all champagne kisses and caviar-flavored Ambien naps now. She doesn’t need those paltry pennies from Vegas. She can get a real unicorn if she wants. I know unicorns don’t technically exist, but I’m sure James can get one. Billionaires always have access to weird shit like that.

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