Ben Affleck And Jennifer Garner Are In The Middle Of A MARRIAGE CRISIS, So Says UsWeekly

Well, if you’re going to have a crisis, I guess a marriage crisis is a good, dramatic one to have. For years, the tabloids have been saying that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage is tanking harder than Elektra on opening weekend. Last month, The National Enquirer said that Bennifer 2.0 were going to go the rich Californian way by splitting up and announcing their divorce plans right before their 10th wedding anniversary on June 29th. But then Bennifer 2.0 shat on all that talk by busting out a good old-fashioned happy family pap stroll. Now UsWeekly is screaming from this week’s cover that their MARRIAGE IS IN CRISIS. A source says that their marriage is on its last breath, because of Ben’s “many vices,” among other shit. “Many vices” may or may not be insider source code for the 2 Ps: Poker and pussy. via UsWeekly

“Where there’s smoke, there’s fire,” one insider shares in the new issue. “The marriage is in trouble.”

It has been for some time, too. According to a second source, the Gone Girl star, 42, and the Dallas Buyers Club actress, 43, “have had problems from the very beginning.” Among their biggest issues? Affleck’s “workaholic” nature and “many vices.”

Insiders say their kids — Violet, 9, Seraphina, 6, and Samuel, 3 — are the glue that’s just barely holding them together. But as one source says, “things are not all peaches and cream with them.”

Bennifer 2.0’s toilet floater of a marriage is so the new “Jennifer Aniston FINALLY haz a babeh in her womb” for tabloids. But UsWeekly really needs to slow down, because they used a thousand idioms in one story. They should’ve saved some for future stories about this shit. I mean, they used “battles with demons,” “where there’s smoke, there’s fire,” and “peaches and cream.” I’m surprised they didn’t go all the way by saying that divorce lawyers are “over the moon” about the thought of handling Bennifer 2.0’s multi-million dollar divorce and that Jennifer keeps trying to “turn over a new leaf” but every time she does, she finds one of Ben’s whores on the other side.

Here’s Ben, Jennifer and their kids buying vegetables and stuff the other day. There’s a few picture choices here for UsWeekly to use for their next cover story about how Ben’s gambling ways are about “as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.” If UsWeekly uses that phrase, then I know that one of their writers is the hot frosted-haired southern memaw cashier at my nearest Smart + Final who always calls me “honey pie.”

Pics: Wenn.com