Open Post: Hosted By The Alligator-Riding Raccoon

June 15, 2015 / Posted by:

This is obviously part of an early viral marketing campaign for Disney’s Rocket Raccoon and Br’er Gator movie.

My dog is about the size of an Olsen twin after a 30-day toddler hair and marmoset blood cleanse (read: really small), but he’s a bold bitch and is only scared of thunder, flies and the voice of Hilary Duff. (Seriously, he leaves the room whenever a Hilary Duff song comes on and probably because he doesn’t want to be associated with a bitch who listens to that shit.) When a gigantic dog whose shits are bigger than my dog growls at him, he growls back.  He no care. But a while ago, we were taking a walk when we both noticed a raccoon about 15 feet away. My dog nearly used his paws to yank the leash out of my hand so that he could run for his life the other way. I just figured that “raccoon” was on the list of shit he’s not here for (or he owed that raccoon money). But now I know that he wanted to run away, because he knows that raccoons will soon be the masters of the earth and will capture us all!!!!!!!!!!!

Case in point: A Florida man and his son were walking along the Ocklawaha River in Ocala National Forest on Sunday morning when they saw a bunch of alligators in the water.  His son walked through some palm fronds to get a picture and that’s when the raccoon stumbled toward the water and jumped onto the alligator’s back. Florida man said that he was able to get a picture before the raccoon jumped off and ran away. He sent the picture to WPTV.

Uh huh, I’m sure that raccoon wants us to think they accidentally stumbled onto that alligator. I’m on to you, raccoon. That raccoon was probably in the middle of training those alligators to be war chariots in the battle against the humans. That raccoon’s an alligator whisperer! When Kunty Karl Lagerfeld looks at that picture, he probably sees an idea for a gator-skin purse with a raccoon fur handle. But all of us see our new alligator-taming overlord.

Pic: @WPTV

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