Tom Hiddleston Says His New Horror Movie Is “Really Kinky”

That sound you just heard was a million Hiddle-stans flooding their basements. That second sound you just heard was those same Hiddle-stans struggling to walk to the linen closet to grab a towel and falling down half-way when their legs gave out from under them.

Tom Hiddleston gave an interview to Collider during the filming of Guillermo Del Toro’s upcoming old-timey horror movie Crimson Peak, and he admitted that it’s going to be much sexier than you’d imagine an old-timey horror movie would be. Crimson Peak is set in the 19th Century and is about a bunch of old money “I do say” types, but Tom wants you to know it’s not going to be Wuthering Heights with a couple ghosts.

“There is kink. It begins with romance and progresses to kink, but I’m not gonna…It’s really kinky, you’ll see why. You know, there is a sexuality in the film which is expressed and you think you know what it is and then you realize you’re only scratching the surface. So… [Laughs] I really can’t reveal more than that.”

Now I can’t help but wonder if “Crimson Peak” is an old-timey euphemism for something super nasty. “I do say…it appears that harlot gave me the crimson peak. Jeeves, fetch the ointment.”

For those of you hearing all this kink talk and wondering if Tom Hiddleston is starring in some 50 Shades of Count Dracula’s Dick pseudo-porn, I have bad news. This is the first trailer for Crimson Peak, and I didn’t have to reach for the smelling salts once.

That’s not kinky! Where’s the hallway that leads to a room full of antique sex swings? Where’s the part about the elevator coming alive at night and putting on free sex shows with the iron gates? Where’s the ghost named Lady Fuckerly who keeps stealing all the eggplants from the pantry? Hiddleston, you dirty liar!