File Under: Terrible Awful Decisions

May 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Time to pour one out for your memories (that is, if you even have enough left in the bottle after watching the trailer for the stinky unflushable turd that is Jem and the Hollograms). According to The Hollywood Reporter, Sony has decided to make a million ~moody~ Tumblr teen’s dreams come true while simultaneously stomping all over ours by remaking the 1996 wannabe witch classic The Craft. I think this picture of Nancy Downs most accurately sums up how I feel about this news:


THR says that “up and coming” horror filmmaker Leigh Janiak will write and direct the new Craft, and a producer from the original will be returning to co-produce the remake. No word on whether it will be a direct rip-off of the original or if they’re going to update it by having the girls text selfie spells using emojis on their iPhones. But since it’s Hollywood and they’re predictable as fuck, I’m going to guess it will be the latter. Also no word on who plays who in this future mess, but here are my predictions:

Shailene Woodley in a busted Rachel wig as Sarah Bailey
Miley Cyrus in goth gopher drag as Nancy Downs
Kylie Jenner as Bonnie, whose hospital scene now takes place in a plastic surgeon’s office
Rihanna as Rochelle (Rochelle is now a blunt-smoking boss bitch who trades the swim team for the twerk team)
Taylor Swift as that bitch Laura Lizzie
That derpy-faced dude from The Fault in Our Stars as Skeet Ulrich’s character
Katy Perry as the occult shop owner

That, or they’ll cast a bunch of nobodies and re-work The Craft into a G-rated tale of a group of popular witches whose biggest challenge is convincing their parents to let them pierce their nose or light candles in their room.

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