Pour Out A Jug Of Sadness Moonshine: Miley Cyrus And Patrick Schwarzenegger Are Over

But maybe don’t pour the whole thing out, since you’ll want at least a little bit to help you cope with the fact that America’s constantly-high Hillbilly Rodent Princess Miley Cyrus and the dude who was made when Kindergarten Cop busted a bareback nut into a Kennedy cousin (aka Patrick Schwarzenegger) are done with each other. If two rich party rats can’t make a PR relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?

According to People, a “source” (Hollerin’ Hank from his new website, www.I’sDoneToldYuz.net, which is really just Hank nailing pieces of gossip to the side of the ol’ shouting tree) says Miley and Patrick are officially killing their relationship after 5 months, adding that “It’s not a break. It’s done.” Apparently they called it quits because Patrick’s side-piece was tired of picking weed-scented pork rind crumbs out of his pubes. NO! The source says it’s because he’s still in college and she’s got her music career and they’re in “two different places.”

Neither Miley’s or Patrick’s rep has said anything about their break up, and Miley has yet to tweet something about how she ‘ain’t makin’ slimeys no more‘ or whatever trashy possum term Miley’s family has for fucking.

Then again, yesterday was 420, which means she had better things to do than tweet about her break up. Actually, now that I think about it – I bet she’s already forgotten that it happened. (ring ring) “Hey Patrick Sandwichwhatever, it’s me Miley! Y’all wanna come over and make slimeys? What do ya mean we ain’t not no more courtin? Dang, you done achy breaked mah heart! You still wanna come over tho? I got a new bottle of jerky lube that I’m itchin’ to try.“