Go ahead and yank me off stage with a Vaudeville hook for that headline.
People says that after what feels like YEARS of talking about it, Jessica Biel finally gave birth to Justin Timberlake’s tiny Top Ramen-haired fetus that was growing in her baby maker. Reps for both Justin and Jessica have confirmed that they’re the parents of a little boy named Silas Randall Timberlake. Both Jessica and Silas are doing a-ok and Justin is “ecstatic”.
Nothing else is known about the birth, but I’m sure after it happened, Justin Timberlake started running around the hospital screaming “I’m a dad, I’m a dad, I’m a daAaAAaAaAaaAaAaAd!!!” in that falsetto dog whistle voice of his while Unky Joey Fatone sat there in the waiting room, paws-deep in a bag of vending machine Fritos, thinking “I wonder if he wants someone to sing the bass on that? Eh, he’s fine.”
I’m completely shocked that Justin Timblerlake didn’t name his son Justin Timberlake Jr., but then again, we don’t know if he tried and Jessica stopped him before he could submit the baby’s birth certificate. Instead, they paid tribute to Justin’s Tennessee roots by giving him the name of an old tymey moonshiner from the Appalachian mountains. Do y’all need something special for your next hootenanny? Just holler on over to Silas Timberlake, he’ll be happy to hook you up with some top-shelf jug whiskey for 2 squirrels and a slice of corn pone.