Jay-Z May Settle Out Of Court With His Alleged Secret Love Child

About two months ago, an ESCANDALO (not really) knocked the wig right off of Beyonce’s head (no, it didn’t) when a 21-year-old “aspiring rapper” named Rymir Satterhwaite claimed in court papers that his mom Wanda and Jay-Z made him when they bareback boned in the early 90s. Like father-in-law, like son-in-law! Rymir wanted his maybe dad to take a paternity test and to also give him a mountain of cash, of course, for emotional damage. Back then, Jay-Z refused to take a paternity test and he’s still refusing to take a paternity test. So sadly for us, it doesn’t seem like Jay-Z and Rymir will go on a very special episode of Maury where this all-natural and non-choreographed moment will be recreated:

Radar, The National Enquirer’s cousin who wears glasses which makes them smarter, says that Jay-Z isn’t about to take a DNA test, but his team is close to handing Rymir a stack of money to go away. Lillie Collie, who hand wrote the lawsuit for Rymir and calls herself his”legal guardian,” tells Radar that the lawsuit will never see the inside of a court room and the dancing dollar signs in her eyes are getting brighter and brighter because she sees a settlement coming:

“Ultimately the case will probably be settled out of court. We’ve been going through this since 2011 and it has gotten to the point where the family just wants it to be over. Nobody wants this to drag out anymore.”

Jay-Z’s people haven’t really said shit about this and haven’t said why he’s refusing to take a DNA test. I don’t know why Jay-Z’s refusing, because if HE IS THE FATHER, then he can invite Rymir over for Thanksgiving and make the kid entertain Basement Baby at the children’s table.

Lillie also told Radar what they’re going to use the money for:

“We need money for the legal fees and Rymir needs money for some medical issues.”

Um, if a settlement is coming and if they ever get that settlement, Rymir should use some of that cash to move far, far away, change his name and get a new face installed on his head, because The Beygency will get him for this. He’ll have some serious medical issues when The Beygency is done with him!