Oscars Open Post: Hosted By Ryan Seacrest’s Beard

Either Ryan Seacrest is wearing more Wet ‘N Wild foundation than usual or he’s busy renegotiating his contract with Satan and so E! put an animatronic wax figure in his place. It’s definitely not the latter, because I just started watching the E! red carpet and Ryan looks hollow inside as usual. An animatronic wax figure would’ve acted just a little bit more human-like.

The Oscars red carpet has started and we’ve got about 45 hours of that and then another 60 hours of the actual show. The Oscars will last longer than Boyhood’s entire shooting schedule. I just watched Kelly Osbourne gasp and say that Faith Hill’s British schoolboy haircut is tonight’s first jaw-dropping moment. Bitch, really? It’s going to be a long night and if you switch from drinking wine to smoking track, nobody here will judge you for that.

Speaking of booze, tonight’s drinking game is: Every time a winner is announced and you think to yourself, “Should’ve been the fake baby from American Sniper,” take a long drink. So basically, you’ll be filling your mouth hole with the sweet nectar after the winner of every category is announced, because that fake baby should win it all. We’re going to need a bigger liquor cabinet.

Pics: Getty