Either Dakota Johnson’s dutch oven-ing herself to pass the time or Jamie Dornan made Fifty Sharts of Brown in his chonies and the scent wafted her way.
Fifty Shades of Grey is expected to bring in anywhere from $60 million to $80 million this weekend. That means every divorce lawyer in the country better open up bright and early on Sunday morning, because husbands will want to immediately file “I Quit This Bitch” papers after their wives dragged them to that mess on Valentine’s Day. Also, Walgreens and CVS better stock up on Monistat chafing relief gel, because middle-aged moms are going to need to buy several tubes after rubbing themselves nearly raw over their jeans while watching that wreck. The reviews started trickling in last night and I read through some of them, because my idea of nipple-tingling porn is the words of hate poetry from critics who thought it was trash. My nipples didn’t totally tingle.
So far the reviews are mixed to negative and most agree that it’s about as exciting as a sloth’s yawn, but also said that it’s better than the book and somewhat entertaining. But then again if Sam Taylor-Johnson shot nothing but a snail humping a leaf on a puddle of vomit and called it the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, it would still be better than the book. I also read a review that declared Dakota Johnson the best thing in that shit. Now we know what Melanie Griffith has been up to. She’s been working as a movie critic!
Here’s some pictures (via ONTD) that Sam Taylor-Johnson took of Jamie and Dakota for W Magazine. The chemistry and sexiness is seeping right through your screen. These look like pictures found in a brochure on how to tell your partner you have an STD. In most of the pictures, Jamie looks like he’s throwing his usual “What did I do?” face, but he also mixed it up by making a “Did I turn off the stove after boiling eggs this morning?” face. If a site called Awkward Fucking Photos existed, these pictures would be the crown jewel of its collection. But I do appreciate that they showed Christian Grey’s ass in that NSFWish picture of them doing it missionary-style. Christian Grey’s ass dimple is the perfect place for him to rest your tampon after he pulls it out of you for sex times.