Brad Pitt And St. Angie Jolie Might Add A New Member To Their Child Army

February 10, 2015 / Posted by:

The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day says that soon Captain Maddox will give a new recruit a tour of the child army barracks in France and train the kid on how to make the most of an all-black wardrobe and how to lure dirty ass Brad Pitt to a bubble bath using a joint tied to a stick. A source (read: a first year intern who minors in Brangeloonism) tells Woman’s Day that Brad Pitt and Dame St. Angie Jolie are in the process of adopting a Syrian refugee she met in Turkey. “Hasn’t that poor child been through enough?” typed Scott Rudin whiled forwarding the Woman’s Day story to Amy Pascal.

The source says that St. Angie first met the 2-year-old kid named Moussa at the Altinozu refugee camp in Turkey and it was love at first sight. St Angie and Brad’s team confirmed that Moussa is an orphan and have been working on the adoption for the last few months. Meanwhile, Moussa is still at the refugee camp taking in “I see you’re going Hollywood” looks from the other orphans. The source spit out this stream of fanfic:

“Angelina heard about him from a translator and she was obviously upset, but Moussa was just beaming from ear to ear and when he saw she was wiping tears from her eyes he toddled up to her and gave her a hug and it was a very emotional moment and everyone was suddenly laughing and smiling. She kissed him on the top of his head and then they were basically inseparable for the rest of the visit.”

What kind of plot line for a sappy Super Bowl commercial? I’m surprised the “source” didn’t also say that the boy was blind but as soon as St. Angie Jolie’s angelic tears landed on his face, he could see again.

In other St. Angie news, there’s a rumor that Marvel wants St. Angie to direct the Captain Marvel movie. In other other St. Angie news, she and William Hague announced that they’re opening a Centre for Women, Peace and Security in London. I see what’s really going on here. St. Angie is going to use the Captain Marvel shoot as a front to train her child army. When you see pictures of St. Angie shooting a scene with tanks, the members of the child army will be driving those tanks. And in the basement of that new Centre will be the new child army training facility. The child army is growing and they’ll soon take over the world.

But seriously, Woman’s Day is about as reliable as Brian Williams, so that story probably isn’t true. I won’t believe it until St. Angie and Brad announce that they’ve adopted a 2-year-old boy from Syria that they’ve named Fax, Rolex, Mueslix or some other name that ends with an x.

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