The 25-Year-Old Blossom Who Is Married To An 82-Year-Old Billionaire Swears She’s Not A Gold Digger

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Last September, one-time Playboy model and German rose Cathy Schmitz was inducted into the upper echelons of the Gold Digger Hall of Fame when she became the fifth wife of old ass Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner whose kind of famous for paying famous messes (see: Kim Kartrashian, Parasite Hilton, Brigitte Nielsen, etc…) to be his date to the Vienna Opera Ball. Cathy and Richard dated for 7 months before legally uniting their love. 25-year-old Cathy and 82-year-old Sugar Grandaddy Richard were on Britain’s This Morning (via The Daily Mail) yesterday to push their reality special for Channel 5 called Age Gap Love and she pretty much stole Anna Nicole Smith’s flavor when she said that she married for love, not money. Uh huh, and I drink a disgusting, vomit-inducing, Jolly Green Giant jizz-tasting green protein shake for breakfast instead of a buttered Pop Tart because I actually like the taste and not because my doctor told me I have to stop eating like I’m one of Mama June’s poor children.

Cathy, who kind of looks like the secret love child of Peaches Geldof and a Kewpie Doll, says that when she started dating her Batman villain-looking husband, she was trying to get a hosting job on German television, so she had to make a real Sophie’s Choice. Does she choose actually working or does she choose spending her days sucking on diamonds dipped in champagne to rid her mouth of the taste of her billionaire husband’s musty nutsack? Cathy chose love over working. She has sacrificed so much!

“When we met I thought he was a nice guy. I knew he was rich, I am from Germany – he is very famous person. Of course it’s nice to live a luxury life. But it’s not very important to me. Before I met him I was pushing my own career on the television. But I had to make a decision between love and my career. (And) I am not the first woman that is much younger than him – none of his wives were as old as him.”

Cathy went on to say that she’s screwed with so many boys that it’s nice to be with a man who has been married a thousand times and can teach her about marriage. Eh, if I wanted to become a master at marriage, I don’t think I’d want to learn from a guy who has failed at it four times. That’s like taking classes on how to be Mother of the Year from Mama June. I know, this is my second Mama June reference in one post. I don’t like it either.

“I have a good teacher as he has been married four times before. I dated a lot of young boys – they are only looking out for themselves. They like football and many women. I have a lot of fun with him (but also)I have a six-year-old daughter to look after – I need a man.”

Richard said that sure he’s worried that his fourth wife married him for his vault of gold and not for his heart, but really, who cares? Have you seen the way her tits heave up and down during a fight?

“I am always worried. Ladies are very dangerous – to be married is dangerous. ‘(But) I like to fight with the young ladies. It’s better for me.”

That weird feeling like something’s yanking at your crotch isn’t from Cathy pulling your dick by saying she married for love. It’s probably just gonorrhea again. Cathy did marry for love. I mean, if you replaced Richard’s overflowing bank account with a checking account full of moth balls and bad decisions, and replaced his mansions with a one-bedroom apartment, and replaced her diamond ring with a garnet ring bought on layaway at KMart, I’m sure she’d still suck on his 85-year-old salchicha, because she loves him for him.

If Cathy is gold digging (which she TOTALLY isn’t), then she’s playing it right by saying she married an old billionaire for love. The first rule of Gold Digger Club is that you do not talk about Gold Digger Club. The second rule of Gold Digger Club is that you do not talk about Gold Digger Club. The third rule of Gold Digger Club is that you should stay away from Heather Mills at weekly meetings, because she’s a total bitch.

Here’s true love’s favorite couple at two events in Germany during the past few days.


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