Brad Pitt Was Too Good For Goopy Paltrow, So Says Goopy Paltrow

Seen above looking like a snobby British schoolboy who is going through a chola phase without help from an actual chola, Goopy Paltrow was on Howard Stern today to promote that Mortdecai mess and a really, strange, bizarre thing happened. I listened to the entire interview and my eyes only rolled and bungee jumped out of their sockets three or four times. That might be a record.

Howard Stern usually gives the best interviews, because he gets deep and asks famous hos shit that nobody else asks like how much money they make and if they’re into anal. Howard didn’t ask Goopy any questions like that, but in his defense he probably knows that she doesn’t do butt sex since it’s pretty much impossible to do anal when your head is always shoved up your ass. Speaking of, she told Howard that she didn’t pull her head out of her ass until she turned 40. (Insert SureJan.GIF here)

Howard asked her about Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, that heave-inducing “conscious uncoupling” term, Jennifer Lawrence and the rumor that she stole the Shakespeare in Love role from Winona Ryder. I threw up a bunch of quotes after the cut. Your eyeballs don’t have to be scared about overworking themselves. They might only roll five or seven times.

On why she and Brad Pitt broke up: “I was such a kid. I was 22 when we met and it’s taken me until 40 to get my head out of my ass. I think I was a kid and I wasn’t ready. He was just too good for me. I honestly think I was too young and didn’t know what I was doing.”

On how she saw the script for Shakespeare In Love at Winona Ryder’s house and convinced the producers to hire her instead of Wino Forever: “That’s not what happened. So basically I was doing a lot of Miramax movies at the time and they asked me to do Shakespeare In Love and I said no, because I had been doing all these other things. In the interim, they were talking to other women and then I ran into a guy called Paul Webster, who used to run a bit of Miramax, and he said, ‘What are you doing? Why did you turn this down? You have to do this movie.’ Oh, I know why, because I was in the break up with Brad Pitt and I was very sad and I wasn’t going to work and all that nonsense…. (Howard starts rambling about something else and it takes them while to get back to Winona Ryder.) [I didn’t take Winona’s script.] That’s an urban myth. I haven’t seen her in years. I swear to God I didn’t [take her role]. I swear to God.”

On breaking up with Ben Affleck: “He wasn’t in a good place in his life to have a girlfriend. I’m friends with him still. He’s settled down and his wife is awesome. Not only is she beautiful, but she’s so warm and she cooks and she’s so into her kids. She’s hilarious. I really like her a lot.”

On how “conscious uncoupling” brought a tsunami of eye rolls: “First of all, when I sent out the thing, I made a mistake in that i didn’t give it context. I didn’t say, ‘This is philosophy from this woman and it’s not my term and we’re following this thing, which I think is incredible.’ It’s a very noble idea and it’s a great thing to try to do and it’s working. It is kind of a goofy term and I didn’t know it was going to cause such a big thing. Having said that, it’s such valuable information and I’m so happy that we’ve been able to you know….”

On how she got shit for naming her kid Apple: “I know, I keep doing this. Just get me to shut the fuck up! Chris named her, though.”

On her not approving of Jennifer Lawrence dating Chris Martin: “Who says I don’t approve? I respect him as the father of my children. It’s his decision He wouldn’t be with someone who isn’t great.”

On telling Chelsea Handler to suck her dude’s dick during a fight: “When I was originally having this discussion with her, I said, ‘Look you’re a very powerful woman, you’re all over the place, you make all this money. Sometimes you don’t have to always fight. Be a girl, show him that he’s a man. It’s a good thing energetically to do.'”

Since Goopy’s head is full of herself, I don’t think it’s possible for her to be completely down-to-earth, but I didn’t cringe that much during this interview. It’s as if her publicist sat her down before the interview and told her to say the opposite of whatever pops up in her head. When Howard asked her about Brad Pitt, she probably thought to herself, “I was way too good for that dumb bag of burnt out weed buds,” but said the opposite. When Howard Stern asked her if it’s true she doesn’t approve of Jennifer Lawrence, she probably thought to herself, “Any ex-husband of mine is way too good for that dumb bag of burnt out weed buds,” but said the opposite.

And two things:

1. The first time Winona Ryder said the legendary line, “Did you suck his cock?“, wasn’t while shooting Black Swan. She probably said it years before to Goopy Paltrow about Harvey Weinstein when that trick stole her role in Shakespeare in Love.

2. Goopy probably doesn’t take her own stupid advice. Goopy told Chelsea that whenever she has a fight with her boyfriend she should show him that he’s “the man” and she’s just a girl by sucking his dick. (If your browser is shaking, it’s from ten thousand feminist bloggers hitting the publish button on their anti-GOOPY think pieces.) When Goopy and Chris got into a fight and she went on and on about divorce philosophies she read, he probably thought to himself, “Didn’t you tell Chelsea that her mouth should consciously couple with her man’s dick when they fight and here you are doing not that.”

If you want to listen to Goopy’s interview, here’s the part where she talks about Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck:

And here she is at Good Morning America this morning.

Pics: Splash