Singing Gwyneth Paltrow Is Back, Because Singing Gwyneth Paltrow Never Really Leaves

January 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Just when you thought Gwyneth Paltrow might not be nearly as insufferable as she seems, that come-to-life corn broom goes and spoils it all by grabbing a microphone. Goopy, NO! I just got “Cruisin’” out of my head. Update: Aaaand it’s back again. Please send some industrial-strength pain killers.

Goopy is still out hustling her appearance in Mortdecai (aka the role she was born to play – a snobby rich British lady), and last night’s stop was at The Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon no doubt had a long list of dumb things they could do, but since she had just gotten a $1750 hand-pressed imported baby beluga oil hair flattening treatment, there was no way she was going near water. So they sang Broadway versions of rap songs instead. Because if there’s anything people want to see, it’s Goopy leaning against a piano looking like a human-sized tapeworm in some kind of weird beige onesie crooning “I don’t fuck with you, you little stupid-ass bitch.

She also told Jimmy about being a teenage badass who used to sneak out at night to drink peach wine coolers and smoke on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum with her friends, and how she used to leave a note for her parents on her bed in case they discovered her missing that said “I’m really sorry. I’m feeling rebellious and I snuck out. It’s the first time I’ve ever done this.” Wow, such rebellion, much middle finger to society. But was it really necessary to leave a note? Her parents probably knew something was up when they noticed her sneaking some of the good crystal into her coat. Teenage Goopy may be drinking peach wine coolers, but she’s sure as hell not drinking them out of anything less than a fine crystal goblet, thank you very much.

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