Every trick and tramp can pick it up and take their asses to In-N-Out to eat their feelings, because Heaven’s answer to Kim Kartrashian, Conchita Wurst, is at the Golden Globes and has already snatched up the Most Glamorous and Best Dressed title of the night thanks to the dress that looks like something Scarlett O’Hara would make from her drapes to go to a business meeting.
The malnourished praying mantis, Giuliana Rancic, just said on E! (no, she didn’t) that Rosamund Pike and Jennifer Lopez were seen running from the red carpet to their cars, because they laid their eyes on the glitter love child of Harald Glööckler and an ebony swan and knew that their homely asses could never compete with this bearded perfection. The Golden Globes will probably be canceled at the last minute, because after everyone sees Conchita, they will all go home to think about their style and beauty choices. But just in case it’s not, this is your Golden Globes open post for the night.
If anything fucked up happens (examples: The Alien Lizard King Benedict Cumberbatch mistakes Ghouliana for a fly and eats her or Jennifer Aniston brings on the Rapture by winning over Julianne Moore) I will throw it up tonight. If not, Allison and I will cover this mess tomorrow and we’ll probably do it from the ER while being treated for the booze poisoning we got from guzzling gallons upon gallons of the sweet nectar to deal with George Clooney’s speech which will probably last at least 4 hours, because George Clooney has a lot to say about George Clooney.