If you live in New Jersey and you woke up this morning feeling a little less tacky opulence in the air, it’s because Real Housewife of New Jersey and Con Artist Queen Teresa Giudice has finally checked into a prison in Connecticut. Dining room tables everywhere just let out a huge sigh of relief, for they know they shall no longer live in a constant state of fear.
Teresa’s attorney (aka one of the people she blames for getting sent to the pokey in the first place) confirmed to WNBC 4 New York that Teresa turned herself in to police around 3am this morning to serve the 15-month prison sentence she got for helping her husband, Donkey Kong, with his busted bankruptcy fraud game.
As expected, Teresa will be serving her sentence at the Orange Is The New Black prison, the Federal Corrections Institute in Danbury, CT. So if there actually is a Red who runs the kitchen, watch out, because you’re about 3 seconds away from hearing the phrase “I’m a three-time published cookbook author, so if you need any help jazzing up those bologna sandwiches…”
Even though Teresa is scheduled to be on the inside for 15 months, one of her laywers tells the NY Post that he expects she’ll be out sometime before next Christmas, and that her last words before she entered prison were “I’ll be fine.” Hmmm…sounds like that clever grifter has a trick up her sleeve. If I know my Teresa (and I don’t, because I’m more of a RHOA girl), I bet she’s going to work the prison bitch angle. Teresa will be everybody’s best cell block friend. She’ll teach them how to make their toilet wine taste like Fabellini (not hard), make them exquisitely tacky jewelery out of gum wrappers and glitter glue-covered tampons, and keep them warm at night by knitting throw blankets out of her extra hair. Before you know it, she’ll be released early for good behavior, but not before she steals all their bank account information and forwards it to Juicy Joe. I see you, Teresa.