Bradley Cooper’s Nipples Lead W Magazine’s Foolery Parade Of HIGH ART Pictures

January 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Somebody should send Sarah Palin W Magazine’s February issue, because it’s going to be at least 2 feet tall and she can use it as a step stool instead of poor Jill Hadassah.

W Magazine’s annual The Movie Issue is here and inside of it are approximately ten thousand pictures of ten thousand Oscar contenders bringing the meaning of fuckery to life. Photographer Tim Walker took 39 actors and covered them with equal parts ridiculousness and HIGH ART before shooting them. If half of Tim Burton’s brain and half of Stanley Kubrick’s frozen brain were sprinkled with acid and implanted into the skull of Lisa Frank and she was asked to produce a photo shoot while using props from Pee-wee’s Playhouse and clothes from old Sassy Magazine shoots, this is the mess she’d come up with.

W Magazine explained the thought behind Tim Walker’s shoot. I know as much about HIGH ART as I do about eating healthy and proper grammar, so I have no idea what they’re saying.

The photographer Tim Walker was influenced by the colorful, sun-drenched Los Angeles paintings and photographs of David Hockney, as well as the ’70s free-love aesthetic that informs the artist’s work. From there, the photographic scenarios took cues from Federico Fellini and, naturally, Walker’s own unique perspective. Remarkably, all the actors and actresses were excited to play, to be transformed, to embrace personae that were extreme, odd, and truly fascinating.

Well, now I know that when Tim Walker is influenced by David Hockney, he makes Bradley Cooper look like a hairless, over-the-hill twink starring in A Clockwork Orange: The Musical.

You can see all the pictures here. I’ve thrown a bunch after the cut. I put them all in the post instead of in a gallery, because I figured we could test the limits of our desperation by playing a game of Would You Hit It?

B. Coop (who is rubbing John Travolta’s Saturday Night Fever suit all over his parts) – Yes, I’d hit it, because reverse tan lines bring the tingles.


Benedict Cumberbatch and Keira Knightley – No, I would not hit it, because I don’t want to interrupt this terrifying alien on alien bonding.


Laura Jeanne Poon – Yes, because even know she looks demure here, you know this crazy bitch can work the hell out of a strap-on.


Amy Adams – I just….no.


Shailene Woodley – I would not hit it (whatever it is), but I would sit next to it and stare at its beautiful otter-shaped brows.


Julianne Moore – Fuck yes, I’d hit it, because they did her up like a giant, hairy, excited peen.


Jenny Slate – Yes, I’d hit it, but only because she looks like Andy Samberg in drag as Amelie on crack.


Mark Ruffalo – It’s Mark Ruffalo, so yes, I’d hit it. But I’d have to close my eyes, because he looks like the creepy 60s game show host love child of Chelsea Handler and Garth Algar.


Michael Keaton – Yes, I’d hit it.


Miles Teller –  Yes, I’d hit it.


J.K. Simmons – Yes, I’d hit it.


Eddie Redmayne – Yes, I’d hit it. The papier-mâché corpse can watch.


David Oyelowo – Duh.


Jack O’Connell – Duh.


Ethan Hawke – Duh.


Oscar Isaac – Duh.


 Ralph Fineass – Duh, but he’d have to keep the big top skirt on.


Tommy Lee Jones – Yes, I’d hit it and afterward I’d thank him for using his Grumpy Cat face to express my thoughts about this photo shoot.


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