And So The Jolie Vs. Aniston Awards Season Foolery Begins!

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston reportedly hired Oscar campaign strategist Lisa Taback to change her official title from “sad and lonely™ Jennifer Aniston” to “Oscar-nominated sad and lonely™ Jennifer Aniston.” Well, Jennifer might want to get some of her deposit back, because Lisa Taback should’ve told her that if she wants to win the popularly contest known as the Oscars, she better sign as many autographs as possible.

One source tells Page Six that St. Angie Jolie is becoming the generous, selfless sweetheart of awards season while Jennifer Aniston is becoming the grouchy bitch of awards season. The source says that at a screening for Unbroken at the DGA Theater in NYC on December 5th, St. Angie Jolie spent 10 full minutes of her life signing autographs and posing with the Brangeloonies. Once the screening was over, she came out in the rain and continued to sign autographs for 10 more minutes. I’m surprised that she didn’t use her saintly powers to stop the rain and spin the Earth until the sun came out so she could sign autographs in the sunshine as the birds made flower crowns for Oscar voters and her fans. She’s probably saving that move for the week before the Oscar voting deadline.

Meanwhile, the same source says that Jennifer Aniston didn’t even bother greeting the regulars at a screening for Cake (aka The One Where Rachel Wears A Fake Scar And Is Angry) at at The Film Society Of Lincoln Center in NYC. The source that while Jennifer’s co-star Anna Kendrick walked through the front door and signed autographs and took pictures with everyone who showed up, she went through the garage. The source says that Jennifer and her entourage snuck in through an underground parking lot. When she left the theater, a few people asked for a picture and she said she couldn’t take any before her bodyguard quickly escorted her back to her SUV.

The source went on to say (no, they didn’t) that one of the autograph seekers Jennifer rejected was so upset that they left the theater in tears. The only thing they’ve ever wanted in life is an autograph from Jennifer Aniston! Their vision was blurred from the tears covering their eyes so as they crossed the street they didn’t see an SUV coming toward them and they were hit. This would’ve never happened if Jennifer Aniston just stopped to sign their autograph! Luckily for them, St. Angie Jolie was in the SUV and she was able to heal their cuts with her touch.

Jennifer Aniston’s rep tells Page Six that they’re making drama out of nothing (“Yeah, and?” – Page Six) and that it’s very junior high school of them to compare Jennifer with St. Angie.

“Clearly you just want to create something out of nothing. We entered through the garage because we were being followed by paparazzi, and they make everything difficult for her getting in and out of cars on street level. We did not stop for photos because we had another screening event downtown that was about to start and we had to hustle. That was announced at the end of the screening so that no one was disappointed. It is very unfair for you to characterize Jennifer as you do here and the comparison to Angelina is just immature crap.”

Okay what I got from this is that Jennifer Aniston is a mean bitch who is going to lose because she doesn’t sign autographs and take selfies. St. Angie Jolie is an angel who will win because she signs autographs and take selfies. Got it. Now can Page Six please dig up some dirt about how Benedict Cumberbatch is trying to sabotage Eddie Redmayne’s Oscar campaign by sneaking laxatives into his whiskey?

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