FYI: Ansel Elgort Likes Girls A Lot. A Lot A Lot.

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Besides a blind item on CDAN, I don’t think I’ve heard any rumors about how 20-year-old Ansel Elgort, the Harry Potter spell-named dude from Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, is cuckoo for cock. But I guess I’m just not up on my Ansel Elgort rumors, because apparently someone somewhere said that he’s gay and has rented a quiet little pied-à-terre in the closet next to Kevin Spacey’s spot. So Ansel Elgort jumped on his Twatter to let those who care (read: his 2.3 million followers and bloggers who need shit to write about on a slow ass day) know that if the Atlantic Ocean was full of coochie instead of water, we’d call it the Snatchlantic Ocean, and also he’d be swimming, diving and doing the backstroke in it all day and all night, because that’s how much he loves punane.

Seems pretty straightforward (NOPP: Not On Purpose Pun), but I guess some people took Ansel Elgort’s declaration of chocha love as his way of saying, “Ewwww, I’m not gay.” So he tweeted out another message where he made it clear that if he did love dick, you’d know it, because you’d wake up to the sound of him screaming his love for it on the mountain tops. He went on to say that everyone just needs to be themselves. Then he asked us to join hands and take turns saying something special about ourselves before singing along to “Firework.”

There you go! Ansel Elgort is strictly clitly. That’s all cleared up. And if you’re wondering what an Ansel Elgort is, MOM, here’s your answer. No, my mom doesn’t read this filth. She stopped reading when I started talking sucio. So basically, day one, post one.

Pic: Flaunt

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