The Photoshop Awards: Brit Brit On Women’s Health
To quote the internal monologue in North West’s head when that hobbit who smells like paint and burnt wax picks her up from her nanny’s house for an Instagram pic session (which she’ll get cropped out of later): “Your face, I can’t place it.”
Thanks to this cover of Women’s Health, Brit Brit Spears will once again get a holiday gift basket from Adobe as a thank you for her years of support. Our Lady of Cheetos is on the cover of Women’s Health January/February 2015 issue and it took me a minute to see the Britney under all those layers of Photoshop. Brit Brit’s in there, but I also see other things like:
1. A sleep-deprived Heidi Klum after Phoebe Price’s plastic surgeon installed silicone chicken cutlets into her cheeks.
2. An unauthorized Elisabeth Hasselbeck plastic puppet that was pulled off of Walmart shelves for scaring children.
3. A Klingon that had its forehead scales shaved down and smoothed out.
With all that being said, I’d totally suck on Brit Brit’s face on the cover and solely because her new nose kind of looks like a dick.
Brit Brit also did an interview and what I mean by that is that her publicist handed the magazine a bunch of canned quotes that didn’t come out of Our Lady of Cheetos’ mouth ever. If Team Cheetos wants us to believe these quotes came from the brain of Brit Brit, they shouldn’t have used hard works like crucial, consistency, continuous, exercise, wider, cardio, important, daily, problem, motivated, etc… etc…
On her birthing hips : “My hips are a little bit wider because I’ve had kids. So it was crucial for me to be continuous with my exercise. Consistency is key.”
On how her trainers hold a piece of teriyaki possum jerky in front of her while she’s running on the treadmill: “Daily exercise is important for me both mentally and physically. I don’t mind working out. Trainers keep you motivated, but I didn’t have a problem being motivated.”
On how dancing is hard: “Dancing is a great cardio workout — tough and fun at the same time.”
And I haven’t read the whole issue, but I’m pretty sure that the one simple move to getting “insane abs” is to hold your arms above your head and let Photoshop do the rest.