Jennifer Aniston Would Like You To Stop Pressuring Jennifer Aniston To Pop Out A Kid

In her never-ending promotion for that sans fards Cake movie, Jennifer Aniston did a very Jennifer Aniston-y photo shoot (HAIR! BRONZER! SEXY WAVES!) and interview with Allure, and she opened up about all the anonymous strangers who want to know why she hasn’t rented out her 45-year-old womb to a baby yet. Just like the last time she spoke about her lack of fetus fever, Jenny tells Allure (via People) that just because she hasn’t pushed a slimy screaming human out of her down-lows doesn’t mean she should be marked as defective and sent back to the Lady Factory. Oh, and also please stop tapping at your invisible wristwatch and making tick-tock noises, because SHE KNOWS, YOU GUYS:

“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women – that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering – dogs, friends, friends’ children. This continually is said about me: that I was so career-driven and focused on myself, that I don’t want to be a mother, and how selfish that is. Even saying it gets me a little tight in my throat.”

It’s times like these that I wish Jennifer Aniston’s dogs could talk, so they could tell everyone that Jennifer Aniston is a great mother and shut those nosy uterus-obsessed bitches up once and for all. How could she not be a great mom? Those dogs spend 9 months out of the year in Mexico! You know how many times I’ve been to Mexico? Zero times. I bet those dogs get to eat whatever they want for dinner too AND sleep on the bed. Ugh, luckyyyy.

Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston in Allure, including a topless shot with her hairdresser that looks like pretty much every ~edgy~ engagement photo on my Facebook timeline.